


To Love

by SkyeC



Category: The 100 (TV), clarke and lexa - Fandom, clexa - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Flashback, Heartache, Heartbreak, Long Distance Relationship, Modern AU, Past Lovers, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-09-19 07:10:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9424934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyeC/pseuds/SkyeC
Summary: The blonde scoffed. “I see you here every day, and not once have I seen you speak to anyone other than the librarian.”“You’ve been watching me?” Lexa was a little alarmed by the admission. This girl seemed harmless enough, but she had read enough thriller novels to know that psychopaths often came disguised in pretty packages.The girl smiled warmly at her. “Noticing, actually. I’m Clarke, by the way.”//Modern AU in which Clarke and Lexa have to find their way back to one another, because sometimes in love, timing is everything.





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

> “I never believed in ghosts until you left, for I could not see you, but I could still feel you.  
>  No, I never believed in ghosts until I loved one.” - Bianca Sparacino. “Seeds Planted in Concrete.”

 

 

Lexa’s muscles ached. It was the good kind of ache. The kind of ache you get after exerting muscles you hadn’t used in entirely too long.

 She reached her arms high above her head in a deep stretch, groaning as her back cracked. She loved this feeling, missed it.

 Extracting herself from bed she made her way to the kitchen, pulling a mug from the cupboard and moving to get another, hesitating, hand in mid-air before instead closing the door. There was no need for an extra mug anymore.

 Lexa had never been much of a breakfast person, but she absolutely could not face the day without a cup – a strong one – of coffee. She sat alone at the breakfast counter staring in to her mug of black liquid, still untouched, thinking about how she had found herself in this position yet again.

 She often tried to avoid thinking. Lexa was an over-thinker, she had been told so many times in her life. She preferred to distract herself from her thoughts, throwing herself into some project or another to occupy her time, living at the gym to exhaust herself in order to escape any lingering reflections that may try to worm their way into her brain and keep her up into the early hours.

 But it was hard. Especially when she found herself alone. She couldn’t help the way her mind drifted, how her cogitation would invade her solitude.

 She was fine most of the time. She prided herself on her ability to cope; it just felt like she had spent far too much time doing just that, coping. _Life should be about more than just surviving_ she had once been told, words of wisdom imparted on her by a ghost she tried very hard to forget.

 

_“Eat.”_

_Lexa looked up from the book she had been studying for so long the words had stopped making sense, she was certain she had read the same sentence at least six times now._

_She stared at the apple that was now perched at the corner of her desk, before shifting her attention to the stranger who had placed it there._

_“You’ve been here for hours, I know this because I’ve been here for hours.” The girl said when Lexa made no move toward the proffered fruit. “And I haven’t seen you so much as come up from that book for air, not to mind, food. So eat.”_

_Lexa cautiously picked up the apple, and took a hesitant bite, all the while maintaining eye contact with the curious stranger._

_“Why are my eating habits of concern to you?” She asked around a mouthful of apple, perfectly shaped eyebrow arched questioningly._

_This elicited a laugh from the blonde woman._

_“Wow, your gratitude overwhelms me.” She responded dramatically, one hand on her heart for good measure._

_“Let me guess, theatre major?” Though her tone screamed unamused, the slight quirk of her lips was encouraging to the other woman, who smiled brightly in return._

_"_ _Pre-med, actually.”_

_This time, both of Lexa’s eyebrows rose._

_“You look surprised?” Lexa hadn’t meant to, she knew it was highly rude. There was absolutely no reason this girl wouldn’t be studying such a commendable course. Fortunately, the stranger didn’t seem offended, her expression was light, teasing even. “Pegged me for a dumb blonde, huh?”_

_“Wha- no. No! Not at all” Lexa fumbled to climb out of the hole she’d dug herself into._

_“Relax, I’m just playing with you.” The girl laughed again, and Lexa couldn’t deny that it was a very pretty laugh._

_“So you’re not a pre-med student?” Lexa wasn’t really someone who joked around often, so this unexpected stranger had lost her somewhere along the way._

_“Oh no, I am.” The blonde tilted her head to the side, and looked like she was studying the brunette. “You don’t do this very often, do you?”_

_“Do what?”_

_“Talk to people.” The small chuckle that accompanied the words softened the lash that came with the harsh truth of them._

_Breaking eye contact, Lexa toyed with the corner of the page in front of her. “Not often, no. I prefer to focus on my studies.”_

_“Well, eventually you’ll finish college and won’t have books to hide behind anymore and will, and this may shock you to your very core so brace yourself, have to actually interact with other human beings.”_

_Without being invited, the girl pulled out the chair opposite Lexa and took a seat. This girl was bold, Lexa thought, but surprisingly, she didn’t mind. She was even a little intrigued if she was honest with herself._

_“I interact.” Lexa defended._

_The blonde scoffed. “I see you here every day, and not once have I seen you speak to anyone other than the librarian.”_

_“You’ve been watching me?” Lexa was a little alarmed by the admission. This girl seemed harmless enough, but she had read enough thriller novels to know that psychopaths often came disguised in pretty packages._

_The girl smiled warmly at her. “Noticing, actually. I’m Clarke, by the way.”_

_Lexa eyed the woman’s – Clarke – extended hand, inwardly debating whether or not to take it._

_“Come on, don’t leave me hanging.” She encouraged, shaking her hand slightly for emphasis._

_Lexa eventually accepted, giving the woman a firm handshake, her father always said that a strong handshake never failed to make a strong impression. “Lexa.”_

_“So Lexa,” Clarke tried out her name, rolling her tongue on the L, “What do you do that keeps you so buried in those books?”_

_“Law.”_

_Clarke nodded, totally unfazed by the short answers and the other woman’s non-existent social skills. “I figured there was a big brain in that pretty head of yours. What do you do for fun?”_

_Lexa blushed at the compliment. “I read, mostly.”_

_“More books.” Clarke said around a smile. “Figures. You should go outside more, I’m sure you’d be even more beautiful under natural light.” Was she flirting? Lexa was stumped as to why this girl would want to flirt with her. She wasn’t the most congenial company._

_“Not that you’re not totally working the yellow fluorescent glow in here.” Clarke continued, ignorant to Lexa’s inner musings._

_Being completely inexperienced in the world of flirtation left Lexa unprepared._

_“Sometimes I read outside.”_

_This garnered a particularly hearty laugh from the blonde, and also earned them a few stern glares and a harsh “shhhh” from a neighboring table._

_“Sorry” Clarke mouthed in their direction before returning her attention to Lexa. “That’s not quite what I meant. But yeah, you should go outside more. We should go outside together.”_

_It was a statement rather than a suggestion, and Lexa was impressed with this girl’s gumption._

_“Like, now?”_

_Clarke smiled. “If you’d like. But I was more thinking Saturday maybe?”_

_“Why?” Lexa narrowed her eyes at the girl, by nature she was an overly cautious person, untrusting and hesitant when it came to new people._

_Her behavior simply seemed to amuse Clarke, who laughed –quieter this time – again. “Because I already have plans on Sunday, and Saturday is the only day I’m free from the shackles of classes and studying, and is typically considered a day of leisure when most people like to have fun.”_

_“No, I mean why do you want to hang out with me?”_

_“I know what you meant.” Clarke gave her that amused smile again before crossing her arms and tapping her index finger against her chin as though in deep contemplation. “Uhm, let me think… because you’re pretty, and mysterious, and standoffish and I’d like to get to know you.”_

_“I’m not easy to get to know.”_

_Clarke shrugged. “I like a challenge.”_

_Lexa thought about it for a second. Her Saturdays were usually reserved for catching up on laundry and required reading that she hadn’t managed to fit in between study sessions. She also typically used that time to catch up on her favorite shows, not allowing herself the luxury of them during the week._

_But it couldn’t hurt to defer her usual agenda to Sunday. Wouldn’t kill her to go out and have some real fun, have real conversation with someone that wasn’t a member of her family. College was about putting yourself out there and making friends. Maybe she should give it a shot? At very least it would get her sister off her back about being such a recluse._

_“Ok.”_

_“Ok?” It was Clarke’s turn to look surprised._

_Lexa nodded, but her facial expression remained unchanged, she was annoyingly difficult to read. “Yes, ok. I’ll hang out with you on Saturday.”_

_Clarke beamed. Like full on, bright, teeth flashing, eyes sparkling beamed._

_"_ _Great. Fantastic! We can go to The Drop Ship.”_

_“The Drop Ship?” Lexa questioned._

_Clarke looked positively stunned at this. “You’ve never been to The Drop Ship! Oh my god, you haven’t **lived**.”_

_Lexa shrugged, unaffected by the girl’s clear dramatization of whatever this Drop Ship place was. “I’ve survived so far.”_

_Clarke gave her another dazzling smile, leaning forward as if she were about to divulge a secret to Lexa. “Life should be about more than just surviving."_

_"_ _Here give me your number. I’ll call you.” Clarke straightened upright in her seat again, and opened and closed her hand in a grabbing motion, prompting Lexa to take out a pen and paper from her bag. She scrawled her number on it and handed it to Clarke._

_“Perfect. Well, I’ll let you get back to your book, I know you’ll probably implode if you take any more time away from studying.” She joked. “But I’ll see you Saturday.”_

_“Bye Clarke.”_

_Clarke rose from her chair, walking backwards away from Lexa, still smiling and staring, only stopping when she bumped into the back of a chair, and turned to apologize to it’s occupant._

_Lexa looked back down at her book, hiding the smile that had been brought on by the blonde goofball who made her stomach flutter and her palms sweat._

The sound of her phone ringing pulled Lexa from her reverie.

 She answered without looking at the caller ID. “Hello?”

 “Hey Commander, how’re you feeling after our session yesterday?”

 “You know I hate that nickname, Raven.” Lexa rolled her eyes at her friend. “A little stiff, but I’m out of practice so that’s to be expected.”

 “Plus I’m a beast so…” Lexa could almost see her friend giving that cocky shrug, a smug expression definitely plastered on her face. She laughed to herself.

 “Ok, settle down there, Rocky. To what do I owe the pleasure of your call?”

 “What? A friend can’t just call another friend to say hey?” Raven defended.

 “Not when you and Octavia have been taking it in shifts to check in on me what feels like every hour.” Lexa’s tone was teasing, but her words were true. Her friends had been treating her like she was fragile and would break at any moment. Though their intentions were well meaning, Lexa hated pity more than anything. “I’m ok, Raven. You guys don’t have to wrap me in cotton wool. I’m not going to break.”

“We know. We just want to make sure you’re ok. We don’t want to see you burning yourself out to avoid dealing with your shit.”

“Eloquent.” Lexa laughed. “I know, and I appreciate the concern, I really do, but honestly, I’m fine. I just want to work on focusing on me for a while. I kind of lost myself for a bit there.”

“Yeah, you’ve never been great at separating your worlds. Learn to be by yourself before being with someone else and all that jazz” Raven agreed. This was one of Lexa's major faults. She could be her own person. Sure, she was comfortable and confident in who she was, but she loved deeply and with everything she had, which often caused her to lose herself in a relationship. It had been different with Clarke, though. Clarke had brought out in her, aspects of herself buried so deeply that even she was unaware they existed.

“I am more than capable of separating my worlds, Raven. I’m just, full on in everything I do.” She admitted with resignation. “Besides, I’ve recovered from worse.”

Both Lexa and Raven knew there was a lie in there, but neither bothered to address it. They both knew Lexa had never truly recovered. She was just… coping.

“Yeah.” Raven agreed again, at a loss of what to say to turn the conversation in a more optimistic direction.

“Have you spoken to her lately?” Lexa wasn’t sure what possessed her to ask. She did every now and then, tried vehemently not to, but couldn’t help herself. She was a masochist, she’d learned, and that trait compelled her to ask for information she knew she’d be better off not knowing

“Lexa…”

“I just want to know if she’s well? If she’s happy?”

Raven sighed on the other end of the line. It was in moments like this that she had wished for Octavia’s defiance. Octavia would never cave to Lexa like this. Not even when she sounded as small and as sad as she did now. She’d deliver some hard truths and tell her to live her life and focus on what she’s got going on and to “keep things moving” as she always put it.

But Raven was weak. She was unable to resist acquiescing to her friend’s request especially when she heard that pleading tone in her voice. She knew too much about it all to not give her this small solace.

Resigning, she offered, “She’s good. She seems happy.”

“That’s good.” Lexa had so many more things she wanted to know, so many more questions she was desperate to ask - did she ever ask about her? Did she have someone now? -  but she knew it was unfair to put her friend in that position.

“Listen Lex, there is another reason I called.”

“Yeah?”

“Octavia and I want to talk to you about something. Are you free for dinner?”

“Sounds serious.” Lexa joked but when Raven didn’t laugh or say anything on the contrary, Lexa realized she was probably right. “Costia is calling over to pick up the last of her things around five. I could meet you after?”

She pinched the bridge of her nose, already feeling the beginnings of a headache coming on at the thought of that imminent encounter.

“And you have to be there because…”

Raven had never like Costia in the first place so her tone didn’t surprise Lexa in the least, but she didn’t expect her to understand.

“Let’s not get into this Raven.” And Raven knew that with Lexa, sometimes you just had to concede your battles.

“Fine.” But it didn’t mean she was above being stubborn. “Dinner at 6. The Ark. Be on time, I don’t want to have to deal with Octavia’s bitch fit if you’re late.”

Lexa laughed at her friend, grateful that the conversation was ending on a lighter note. “When have you ever known me to be anything less than punctual?”

In fact, Raven could name a number of times when Lexa had been a lot-less-than-punctual, offering nothing more than lackluster excuses in her defense, the real excuse being the equally guilty looking blonde haired, blue eyed delinquent following not far behind. But Raven didn’t mention that. She did have _some_ tact.

“Whatever, Commander. Don’t be late.”

“Bye Raven.”

And with that, Lexa was left alone again.

 ///

 

Costia arrived right on time. Like Lexa, she had a strong penchant for time keeping. It would be a cold day in hell before Costia would allow them to get delayed with something as frivolous as a spontaneous make-out session, or as senseless as a food fight. So when the knock came on her door at exactly five o clock, Lexa was already there waiting to answer.

Costia was the most sensible person Lexa had ever known, including herself. She thinks that’s why they worked. They were incredibly similar in almost every way. Ultimately it was the ways they weren’t that ruined them. Among other things.

“Hey.” Costia greeted. Lexa took her in. She looked thinner in the two weeks since she’d last seen her, dark circles under her eyes – she had never been a great sleeper, always worrying about things that were out of her control – more prominent than Lexa had ever seen them.

Costia may not have been a big sleeper but she had never looked tired, always so well put together, not a hair out of place, but this Costia, the one standing before Lexa now, fingers pulling anxiously at the cuffs of her sweater, hair thrown half hazardly up in a messy bun, looked exhausted.

“Hey.” Lexa finally managed, stepping aside to let her in. “How’ve you been?”

The other girl scoffed mirthlessly at this. “How do you think?”

Lexa didn’t bother to answer the rhetorical question, she hated people who did that, Costia did too, and she really didn’t want to make this situation any more uncomfortable.

She waited in the kitchen as Costia made her way to the bedroom to pack up what was left of her things. She’d moved everything else out in a hurry, but said she’d come back for the rest of her clothes later. Later turned out to be two weeks later, but Lexa didn’t begrudge her that.

She felt that familiar ache take up residence in her chest. That hollow feeling of regret, no, remorse maybe? She wasn’t entirely sure. A part of her wanted to run into the bedroom, pull Costia into her arms and take it all back, but the more rational side of her, the realist, the side that always won out, kept her feet firmly planted behind the counter as she waited for the kettle to boil.

Lexa had met Costia almost two years ago. She had come to a work party - a celebration she couldn’t quite remember the reason for - with a colleague of Lexa’s. Lexa found her dazzling, all dark skin, and thick hair. She was effortlessly beautiful. She had worn a budgie yellow dress that complimented her figure, and a simple diamond tennis bracelet sat on her wrist – a graduation gift from her father, Lexa would later discover. They talked in depth for hours, about everything and anything.

 Lexa learned that her colleague had in fact not been Costia’s date, but just an old (platonic) friend. When the night had drawn to a close, and Lexa had offered to walk Costia home – she lived nearby – when her “date” had decided to continue on to a club with some other coworkers, Lexa was well beyond the point of being smitten.

Costia kissed her on the cheek when they reached her apartment building, and asked to see her again. Lexa wanted to, desperately so, but she had declined. She was terrified, she told her she wasn’t ready to be with anyone, not yet at least, and Costia had accepted without argument, didn’t even pretend like she’d like to pursue a friendship, instead, she offered Lexa a warm smile and told her that she hoped their paths would cross again some day, hopefully when Lexa _was_ ready, and Lexa returned the sentiment.

And as fate, or coincidence would have it, their paths did cross again six months later. Lexa had gone to a spin class at the gym where Octavia had worked, at her friend’s insistence, and who should happen to pop up on the bike next to hers, but Costia. They laughed at Lexa’s total lack of coordination, her legs getting away from her more than once while sprinting, and accompanied each other to the juice bar next door after. They had been inseparable since that day.

Theirs was a relationship that took off with force and promise. They spent almost all of their free time together, and their friends often joked that they were basically the same person, and they weren’t wrong. The shared many of the same likes and dislikes, had the same sense of humor, and prioritized the important grown up stuff, like work, and finances. They were sensible, some may have called them boring – she knew one person who _certainly_ would have deemed them boring.

 

_“How do I turn off the snooze button on you?” Clarke teased, patting Lexa repeatedly on the head. “Stop being so boring, embrace the fun!”_

_“I’m not boring, Clarke, I have a test on Monday; I should be studying.”_

_Clarke rolled her eyes and pulled at her girlfriend’s arms until they freed from where they had been crossed at her chest. “You spent all week studying. It’s a Friday night. Live a little.”_

_As if on cue, a boy with a tray full of tequila shots happened by. Clarke stopped him and took two from his tray._

_“Here.” She said pushing one in front of Lexa. “Drink.”_

_“Claaaarke” Lexa whined but the blonde was having none of it, shaking her head and forcing the shot into her hand._

_“Loosen up, Lex. Just this once. You can go back to being boring Betty tomorrow.”_

_Lexa smirked, finally accepting the alcohol from her girl. “You’re really proud of that one aren’t you?”_

_“Yep.” Clarke popped the P with pride, lifting her glass to Lexa to cheers. “To us!”_

_Lexa smiled warmly. It was in that very moment that it struck her, there was nothing she wouldn’t do for the blue-eyed beauty in front her, in that moment Clarke’s happiness became her primary concern. “To us.”_

 

“I think that’s all of it.”

Costia’s sudden reappearance startled Lexa, almost causing her to spill the boiling water she had been filling her mug with.

“If you find anything I’ve forgotten, I’ve left my new address on the table by the door, just mail it to me.”

Lexa nodded, unsure of what to say.

Costia looked like she was waiting for her to speak, to say something, anything, that may lessen the pain that weighed heavy between them.

When Lexa remained silent, she pursed her lips and looked around the kitchen, as if committing the area to memory, she smiled when her eye caught something on the ceiling. Lexa followed her gaze to the cracked paint and plaster above her ex girlfriend’s head.

“You never did tell me how that crack got in the ceiling.”

Lexa had purposefully never divulged that information.

 

_The music pounded loudly from the apartment above, the bass so intense the light fixtures swayed slightly with each thump. Their neighbors had a band, and they liked to practice. A lot._

_“That’s it. I’m calling the cops.”_

_Clarke laughed as Lexa searched through the couch cushions for her phone. “Babe, relax, it’s like 7pm. They’re just having fun.”_

_“Call me crazy, Clarke, but whose idea of fun is blasting music so loud their eardrums bleed?”_

_“You’re being a tad dramatic, don’t you think?” Lexa’s glare did nothing to cease her girlfriend’s chuckling. “Besides, I kind of like it, it’s really helping me get lost in this painting.” Clarke gestured to the half finished canvas before her._

_Lexa balked. “The only thing lost here is your mind. You can’t be serious.”_

_"Au contraire mon chéri, I do in fact possess the ability to be quite serious. I happen to love The Ramones.”_

_“The Ramones are not the problem. But they are no Ramones," She pointed in the ceiling above her, "in fact they’re butchering this cover. That in itself is a crime. The problem is noise pollution.”_

_After a particularly long, screechy guitar solo, Lexa had had enough; she marched through to the kitchen, Clarke hot on her heels._

_“Babe, what are you doing?” She wasn’t sure whether to be amused or mildly concerned at Lexa eyeing the room._

_Settling on a broomstick as her weapon of choice, she climbed on top of the breakfast bar and began to beat it aggressively against the ceiling. It was at this point Clarke could no longer be consoled, grabbing her sides in pain from laughter._

_“You’re being ridiculous.” She managed through strangled breath._

_“No, I’m being perfectly reasonable.” Lexa argued, still beating the broom against plaster. Pausing for a moment, she turned toward her girlfriend whose cheeks looked pained from her hysterics. “You’re either with me, or against me, Griffin.”_

_Clarke looked around the kitchen, spotting the metal meat tenderizer; she grabbed the utensil and hopped up on the counter where her girlfriend was still standing expectantly. “I’ll always be with you.” She said with a level of sincerity that made Lexa’s heart ache with pure, unfiltered love._

_Together they resumed their bashing of the kitchen ceiling, uncaring that their efforts were futile._

_They continued like this for five or ten minutes. They had both lost track of time, laughing at how silly their behavior was, neither caring much abut the noise anymore, until a large block of plaster came tumbling down, grazing Lexa’s forehead in the process.. Both girls jumped from the counter and ran to the living room, away from any further falling debris. Fortunately for them, that one chunk seemed to be it._

_“Lex, you’re bleeding.” Clarke gasped when she noticed the gash on her girlfriend’s face. “Come through to the bathroom. I’ll stitch you up.”_

_“Good thing my girlfriend’s a rockstar surgeon, huh?”_

_Clarke blushed, and pushed Lexa onto the closed lid of the toilet seat. “Sit down, and don’t move, you dork.”_

 “It was like that when I moved in.” She lied. She had never felt comfortable telling Costia much about Clarke or their time together. Of course she had come up in conversation, it was unavoidable, but she did avoid it where she could. Those memories felt sacred to her, as though talking about them with Costia would taint them somehow.

Costia knew Lexa well enough to know when she was lying, but if she spotted it now, she didn’t call her on it. Instead she clasped her hands together and gestured behind her.

“Ok, well, then, I guess this is goodbye.”

“I guess so.” Lexa was sad, there was no denying that. She knew breaking up with Costia had been the right decision, and she didn’t regret it per se, but there was the familiar sadness that came with unfinished business, that tug of melancholy, the hollow longing for what could have been.

“Lex, I-“

“Cos, please. I don’t want to fight anymore.” She ran a hand over her face. “I’m tired.”

Costia looked down at her hands, still joined. “Me either. I just – I miss you.”

She looked up again, meeting Lexa’s eyes to show her the sincerity her words carried.

And Lexa missed her. She missed the way she would roll over and snuggle into her the middle of the night, she missed how her feet were always so warm while Lexa’s were blocks of ice, she missed the annoying radio station she used to listen to and sing along with in the shower, and she missed the way Costia would smile at her from across a room and make her feel _so_ special.

But all those things she missed didn’t make up for all the tears they’d caused each other to shed, didn’t make up for what felt like one argument after another over the last two months, didn’t make up for the jealousy or the distance that had seeped it’s way into the cracks of their once solid relationship.

“Me too.” She admitted, barely audible.

“Then why don’t we _try_ Lex? I know it’s been a rough couple of months, but we can find our way back to each other. I can prove to you I can be good enough for you again.” The desperation written all over her ex’s words and face caused Lexa’s resolve to falter slightly.

She closed her eyes and took a calming breath, grounding herself before she opened them again and stared back into those deep brown orbs. “Your being good enough for me was never in question, Costia. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You're perfect. You’re just not good _for_ me. We’re not good for each other. Not anymore.”

Costia knew Lexa’s words were true, but that didn’t make it any easier, for either of them. “It just feels so unfinished.”

And Lexa had to agree with her. They broke up, not because they stopped loving each other, or because they truly, deeply wanted to, but because they couldn’t find a way to communicate anymore, everything turned into a fight, not even the warm weather of spring could melt the iciness that had consumed their home. Costia would always put her first but that was part of the problem. And Costia, sweet, lovely Costia, would always fall second best for Lexa, the coveted top spot had been thieved long ago, and while it’s placeholder was little more than a memory now, she would remain immortalized in that position forever.

Lexa knew she could never truly love Costia the way she deserved to be loved, not while she had someone else’s hand clenched so tightly around her heart. And she tried, for a year and a half she really tried. Sometimes she had thought she was succeeding in finally moving on but deep down she knew, she had always known, that her heart and her soul had not belonged to her in so long, and were no longer hers to give away. It was this realization that made Lexa understand they were riding a road to nowhere, and suggesting they go their separate ways.

 “I have to go. I have dinner plans with Octavia and Raven.” She said in lieu of a lamenting sentiment.

 Costia nodded, taking a few steps forward until she was standing right in front of Lexa, gazed into her eyes; really looked at her, knowing it would likely be her last chance to do from such a close proximity, and then she leaned up on her tip toes to close the remaining distance between them, leaving a feather light kiss on the corner of Lexa’s mouth.

 Her smile was sad as she pulled away; she brought her hand up to Lexa’s bicep and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Take care of yourself, Lex.”

And with that, she was gone. And for the first time in two weeks, Lexa wasn’t able to cope. She didn’t even try. She willingly allowed the sob to erupt violently through her like an exploding volcano, let the tears flow freely down her cheeks. She allowed herself this moment of unadulterated sadness and grief. Allowed herself this moment to mourn yet another lost love, and again, her first, for even she knew the tragedy of not allowing yourself these moments.

 ///

 

The Ark was unsurprisingly crowded for just after six on a Saturday evening. It was one of the city’s most popular eateries and catered to a range of demographics, meaning that tables were full with everyone from hipster twenty-somethings, to well dressed stuffy suits, to elite silver surfers.

Lexa scanned the room for her friends, while doing so she noticed a young couple, no more than nineteen and clearly on their first date. The boy was painfully nervous and trying desperately to hide it, but you could see it in the way that he attempted to maintain eye contact, unblinking in fear of losing it; his date fidgeted with the table cloth, pulling at a loose string for something to do with her hands. She smiled at them. They were cute.

Looking around at the rich burgundy walls, the mismatched chairs, fancy light fixtures, and creatively unique serving trays, Lexa noted that this was a good first-date spot. Had it been around back when she first met Clarke, she was sure the blonde would have taken her there. It would have definitely been Clarke taking _her_ there and not the reverse. Lexa spent so much time cooped up in her little one-person dorm room, she wasn’t clued in on the cool, trendy hang out spots. Aside from her local Five Guys, she couldn’t name one restaurant within a ten-mile radius of the campus before she met the blonde.

 

_“Clarke, how much further?” Lexa whined. They had been walking for what felt like hours, and Lexa’s feet hurt._

_“Not much further. Stop complaining. This place is the best.” Clarke’s enthusiasm was unlike anything Lexa had ever encountered; what’s more, Lexa’s perpetual chip on her shoulder didn’t seem to bother her in the least._

_“It better be all kinds of wonderful because my fingers and toes are about ready to fall off.”_

_She really had no one to blame for that but herself; she came totally unprepared for the piercingly cold winter evening._

_“You’re cold, huh?” Clarke looked at her with a mischievous smirk._

_“You’re not?”_

_Clarke shook her head no, but her pink cheeks and rosy red nose begged to differ. Lexa didn’t comment though._

_“Here, give me your hand.” Clarke didn’t wait for Lexa to offer her hand to her, expecting her usual resistance. She laced their fingers together and stuffed them, still joined, into her coat pocket._

_It didn’t do much to assist with the cold, but Lexa could feel her ears burning. Desperate to distract from her nervousness and blush, she questioned Clarke yet again about where they were going._

_“So this Drop Ship place is like, what? An arcade?”_

_Clarke smiled. That smile did things to Lexa she hadn’t known she could feel._

_“Kind of. It’s like, Dave and Busters, but a million times more fun and they have the **best** chicken wings in the state.” _

_“Is that so?”_

_“Yuh-huh.”_

_“Says who?”_

_“Says me. Now shut up, we’re here.”_

_Clarke had been right, The Drop Ship was like Dave and Busters meets Disneyland, meets Baskin Robbins. And their chicken wings were out of this world._

_Lexa was certain she’d never had more fun in her entire life. Her cheeks ached from wearing a smile for hours. She rarely smiled at all, and definitely not for extended periods of time, but she couldn’t help it, not when Clarke was whacking the shit out of Whack-A-Mole, or when she discovered the blonde totally freaked out while playing Pac-man because she didn’t like things chasing her; she continued smiling even when Clarke made fun of her upon discovering her two left feet on Dance Dance Revolution, and she certainly couldn’t keep the smile off of her face even if she wanted to when Clarke sang Teenage Dream during karaoke and looked right at her the entire time._

_Lexa didn’t complain the entire walk back to campus, even with the cold biting at her face, and with her feet that she was certain she wouldn’t be able to walk on again until Monday._

_Clarke walked her to her room, rocking on her toes when they reached her door._

_“Well Lexa, was that so terrible?” she teased._

_Lexa chuckled and shook her head. “I had a lot of fun tonight Clarke. Thank you.”_

_“My pleasure.” They stood smiling shyly at each other for a few silent seconds before Clarke spoke again. “I better go. Goodnight Lexa.”_

_As she turned and began making her way down the hall, Lexa called after her, needing to know._

_Clarke retraced the few steps back toward Lexa’s door, still smiling. “Yes?”_

_Lexa was nervous; she worried the zipper of her jacket between her fingers to occupy her hands and stared a hole through her shoes rather than meet Clarke’s eye._

_“Was, uhm… was it-“ She let out a giant exhale before cautiously chancing a glance at Clarke. “Was this a date?”_

_The giant grin Clarke had worn earlier that week in the library made a triumphant return, but did little to quash Lexa’s anxiety._

_What did help however was Clarke leaning in, and placing a delicate, chaste kiss on Lexa’s mouth. Lexa’s eyes fluttered closed at the action, but it was brief, because as quickly as it had happened, it was over. Clarke’s grin stayed firmly in place._

_“Well, duh! I thought you were the smart one here?” She whispered._

“Lexa! Over here.” She turned her head in the direction of the familiar voice. Octavia and Raven sat just off to the left, near the bar, and stood to embrace her when she reached the table.

“Hey guys.”

“We took the liberty of ordering you a drink.”

Lexa looked at her place on the table. Whiskey. Neat. “Looks like I was right. This is serious.”

Her tone was mostly joking but at the nervous glance her friends exchanged, she was starting to get worried.

“Seriously guys, just spit it out. You’re worrying me. “

Raven and Octavia shared one more hesitant look, a silent conversation raging between them. Raven nodded her head in Lexa’s direction, and Octavia’s eyes widened, but neither woman said anything.

“Guys!” Lexa demanded sternly, in the voice she normally reserved for the courtroom. “What’s going on?”

“It’s Clarke.” Octavia finally revealed, still looking at Lexa apprehensively.

“What about Clarke?” Lexa questioned warily, feeling the blood in her body run cold. Her friends rarely mentioned Clarke in her presence anymore, and when they did it was usually by accident, a slip of the tongue while recounting some funny story from years ago, so for them to bring her up now, something must be wrong.

Lexa was suddenly alarmed, panic taking over ever fiber. “Is she ok? What’s wrong?”

Raven reached across the table and placed a hand on Lexa’s forearm to ground her. “Lexa, Lexa stop, it’s nothing like that. Clarke is fine.”

Lexa felt her heart rate slow, until it returned to something akin to normal, but she was still confused. “Then what is it?”

Raven and Octavia exchanged an anxious look, before Octavia set her gaze unwaveringly on Lexa’s.

“Clarke’s coming home.”

 

 


	2. Hope

 

> “Those who insist that you cannot exist in two places at once have never left their heart in the hands of someone who lives across an ocean.”

 

_Lexa threw her keys into the bowl near the front door and tossed her coat over the back of the nearest armchair. It had been too long a day and she wanted nothing more than to swap her black heels for her pink fluffy slippers – a gift from Clarke – and pour herself a very generous glass of red wine._

_Moving to the kitchen she pulled a bottle from the rack, opening it to allow it to breath; releasing a heavy sigh when she turned to retrieve a glass from the cabinet and caught sight of the large pile of dishes stacked in the sink. Clarke had promised to do them before going to work._

_Pinching the bridge of her nose, Lexa toed off her pumps, rolled up her sleeves and pulled on the bright yellow washing gloves that hung over the faucet._

_She scrubbed aggressively at the pan her girlfriend had used to make pancakes in the previous night, taking her frustration out on the innocent utensil._

_Lexa tried to be understanding. She knew how busy Clarke was with completing her internship, she knew she was exhausted and overworked and she wanted to be supportive, but she was only human, and she too was busy with work, she was finally beginning to make some headway at the firm and earn some recognition, and she too was tired from the long hours spent pouring over case files, she too could use a bit of support._

_Lately it had felt like Clarke didn’t seem to notice or care about what Lexa may have needed._

_Clarke had never been selfish in their relationship. Lexa reminded herself of this in an attempt to ease the tension that was running particularly high within her. She had always encouraged Lexa in her endeavors and made sure she had a life outside of work._

_‘All work and no play makes Lexa a cranky pants’ she would say._

_The thought couldn’t even draw a minor smirk from Lexa in the moment._

_She was almost finished with putting the dishes away when she heard the front door close quietly shut; she didn’t turn around when her girlfriend appeared in the kitchen._

_“Hey.” Clarke greeted cautiously._

_“Hi.” Lexa didn’t bother to hide the curt tone, there was no point, and Clarke knew her well enough to know just by the way Lexa held her posture when she was pissed, plus she was tired of walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. She was starting to think she picked her battles a little too carefully._

_“I was gonna do those.” Clarke said, taking a tentative step toward the breakfast bar._

_“Famous last words” Lexa muttered under her breath; if Clarke heard her, she didn’t comment. “You know I hate letting dishes build up, Clarke.”_

_She turned in time to see Clarke guiltily lower her head to examine her fingernails._

_“I know.”_

_Lexa softened at Clarke’s almost childlike tone. “I just forgot.”_

_“Clarke, you have to help out around here.” She tried hard to keep the exasperation from her words but it was growing difficult. “I know you’re busy and I don’t want to add more stress to that, but I’m pretty crazy busy too if you haven’t noticed, and it’s not fair that I have to come home to your mess and be expected to pick up after you. I’m your girlfriend, not your mother.”_

_“I know.”_

_Her voice was barely above a whisper, and Lexa felt like shit for being the cause of Clarke’s sad expression, but she’d gone there now and she couldn’t back down._

_“Do you, Clarke? Because I feel like we’re having this same conversation every other day.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Is that all you’re going to say? ‘I know’?”_

_It frustrated Lexa further that Clarke wasn’t being more responsive, this was an adult discussion about adult things, and lately it seemed like Clarke just hid away from anything remotely associated with being a grown up._

_“I just have a lot on my mind right now, Lexa. I don’t know what else to say!” Clarke finally looked up to meet Lexa’s gaze, and the brunette noted the fire in them that contrasted with Clarke’s previously withdrawn demeanor._

_Lexa threw her arms up in vexation._

_“Maybe try talking about it, Clarke.”_

_She calmed when her girlfriend pursed her lips and looked to the ceiling, a clear sign she was trying to hold back tears. Lexa moved around the breakfast bar so that she was standing in front of Clarke. She placed a gentle hand on the blonde’s cheek, encouraging her to look at her._

_“Clarke.” She was pleading now, desperate almost. “Tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”_

_She quirked the corner of her mouth up into a small smile. She hated how much they had been bickering lately, hated that Clarke seemed to be constantly holding things back from her. Communication had always been their strong suit, it needed to be with their vastly different personalities, they wouldn’t have lasted a day without it._

_“Talk to me.” She brushed her thumb over Clarke’s cheek, where a lone tear had escaped. “What’s going on?”_

_Clarke sucked in a deep breath, releasing it slowly, she looked to the ceiling again before back to Lexa, bracing herself, it seemed._

_She did not waver her stare from Lexa when she spoke, and if Lexa’s hand were not now clasped tightly in Clarke’s she may have fallen to the floor with the way Clarke’s next words shook through her like an earthquake._

_"I got accepted into the residency program at Lincoln Memorial.”_

_When Lexa remained silent, Clarke further clarified, “It’s in Ton DC.”_

_All the brunette could manage were two stunned words._

_“I know.”_

Raven waved a hand in front of Lexa’s blank expression.

“Did you hear what Octavia just said? Clarke’s coming back to Polis, for good.”

“I heard her.” Lexa responded, though the look on her face remained vacant, her voice so quiet it sounded distant, even to herself.

“We… weren’t sure how to tell you. Or if we should?” Octavia said, seeking confirmation that they had done the right thing; this snapped Lexa from her daze.

“No. Yeah.” She fumbled, trying to gather herself. “No, I’m glad you told me.”

Her friends visibly relaxed at her words.

“When?”

They shared yet another anxious exchange at the question.

“She gets in on Thursday.” Octavia supplied.

“Ok.”

“Ok? That’s all you’re going to say? The love of your life is coming back home. For. Good. And all you got is ‘ok’?” Raven almost bellowed in disbelief, earning her an elbow to the ribs and a ‘ _Raven, keep it down_ ’ from the pocket sized fury on her left.

Lexa gave her a pointed stare, a look she used as a protective shield when she was feeling particularly vulnerable.

“What else would you like me to say, Raven?” She quickly abated, continuing in a sad whisper. “It doesn’t change anything.”

Both girls looked at her with sympathy. They knew far more about Clarke’s new life now than Lexa did. They knew if there was room for potential hope, and if there was, Lexa knew they would offer her the solace of it. When neither said a word, it confirmed her suspicion.

Hope was futile.

 

////

 

Dinner didn’t last long, and Lexa was in no mood to linger on more than was politely necessary. They made small talk and steered clear of any topics that could be associated with the blonde surgeon, or her immanent return.

She went straight home after the restaurant, declining her friends’ offer to grab a drink, and made her way straight to the sanctuary of her couch.

Here, Lexa sat wrapped in her oversized dressing gown, taking comfort in it’s vastness and protection against the bitter, harsh wind blowing outside – spring storms were rare in Polis, but when they came, they came with ferocity- toying with tea bag that stewed in her cup. She always hated the cold. _Almost_ always.

_“You’re such a baby.”_

_“Am not.”_

_“Are too.”_

_Lexa stuck her tongue out, which did nothing to support her defense._

_“Yes, you are. It’s just snow, stop being weird and come outside and play with me.”_

_“I can’t afford to get sick, Clarke. Finals are in a few weeks, I need to remain focused; I can’t do that with the flu.”_

_Clarke just rolled her eyes._

_“You’re not going to get the flu, just wrap up warm. Come on, I wanna build a snowman.” She whined._

_“I said no, Clarke.”_

_Clarke balled her hand into an almost-fist, leaving a finger width space open and brought it to her lips as she scooted closer to Lexa, “It doesn’t have to be a snowman.” She singsong-ed into it._

_This pulled a laugh from Lexa, who knew that she had unspokenly surrendered by breaking her stubborn façade._

_“Now who’s the baby? Quoting Disney songs to win an argument.”_

_Her girlfriend gave her a warm smile that almost made her forget about the frigid cold she was about to face, and arched an eyebrow._

_“It worked didn’t it?” She was never going to win this one. She would go anywhere Clarke asked her to, and the girl knew it. “And excuse you, but Frozen is a classic!”_

_So, they built a snowman; all the while Clarke humming songs from her favorite ‘Disney classic’ and Lexa not-so-begrudgingly did too._

_It was a tragic excuse for a snowman. They couldn’t quite get the body right, so it ended up looking like a mediocrely sized snow mound, they didn’t have any carrots so substituted a cucumber for a nose, they used an old bucket that’s previous purpose had been to house barf after a hard night of partying, and gave it uneven twigs (Lexa wasn’t sure they could even be truly classified as sticks) for arms._

_Still, Clarke stood back to proudly study their work._

_Lexa stood back to proudly study Clarke._

_Clarke, with her rosy cheeks and red nose, her blonde hair mostly hidden by her favorite purple beanie, an ugly brown scarf wrapped around her neck (which she acknowledged was hideous but insisted was the softest thing on the planet), Clarke with her vibrant love of life and all things in it. Clarke was the most unexpected wonderful Lexa had never seen coming._

_The blonde felt the heavy gaze of her girlfriend and stared back, tilting her head to the side with a questioning curiosity before closing the small space between them and capturing Lexa’s lips in a sweet kiss. Lexa’s eyes fell shut and she took a moment to bask in how warm Clarke’s lips felt against her cold ones, Clarke was always so warm. The contrast was unusual but not unpleasant, and Lexa drowned in the sensation of it._

_That was the day she raised the white flag on her war with winter._

Lexa’s hatred of cold came rushing back with a thunderous vengeance on her first winter alone after the break up. She reverted back to her old ways of locking herself away from the world when the snow began to fall, and the vicious winds began to blow.

Her friends had naturally assumed she was depressed, what-with the Christmas season looming and all the loved up couples canoodling with hot whiskeys and mulled wine at every bar in town, they figured it had sent her spiraling.

They weren’t wrong, not entirely. She felt like she hadn’t stopped spiraling since the day she walked away from Clarke, but Christmas was not a particular trigger.

She set her tea down, and allowed her finger to trace over the small dent in the coffee table where Clarke’s easel had crashed down upon it one Summer morning as Clarke and Lexa chased each other around the living room in a spontaneous paint fight - those always ended with some disaster to furniture, or personal casualty.

She smiled at the memory.

A lot of Clarke still remained in this little apartment, she noted, staring around the room. Maybe that's why it never felt like 'home' with Costia?

She rose from the couch then, and made her way to the kitchen to grab a bag of chips from the pantry.

Lexa never understood the whole eating your feelings thing as a coping mechanism; she had never gotten sad or upset and thought consuming her weight in ice cream and chocolate would lessen the pain, surely it would only aid in making her feel crappier? She could never comprehend it, thought it stupid in fact, that was, until Clarke left. She got it then.

In the weeks following their split, she would eat countless packs of M&Ms, and devour family buckets of fried chicken in one sitting; at one point, an entire shelf in her freezer had been designated solely to Ben & Jerrys tubs, all because she needed something, _anything_ to fill that constant gaping, hollow sensation in the pit of her stomach.

This lasted until her friends held an intervention. Octavia brought a pamphlet from her gym and promised her her staff discount on membership, but stated firmly that going was not an option, that she needed to ‘keep it moving, shift that break up bulge. Shake those post-split pounds.’

And as it turned out, Octavia was right; re-focusing her energy on working out was a great outlet for her frustrations, anger, sadness, and guilt. She obsessed over it, it was somewhere new, and somewhere not tainted with memories of Clarke, it was _something_ to distract her from the pain and longing.

She hadn’t felt the need to eat her feelings away in almost three years, but she felt it now.

 ///

 

“Are you alright?” Indra finally asked on Wednesday. “I normally don’t like to pry into the lives of my co-workers, mostly because I don’t care, but you seem… distracted, these past few days.”

Lexa looked up from the case file in front of her and stared at the older woman. Had she been so obvious? She felt she had been keeping it together all things considered, disguising her emotions with what she thought was practiced ease.

She shouldn’t be surprised really. Indra had a fantastic talent for reading people, knowing when they were hiding something, or straight up lying, she didn’t miss a trick, it’s what made her such a damn good lawyer. So Lexa knew that she’d see right through whatever excuse she made, instead she decided on a veiled truth.

“I’ve just had a lot on my mind, Indra.”

The woman gave her a skeptical look, and Lexa could have sworn she may have seen a hint of concern in her eyes, but before she could properly figure it out, Indra had reverted her expression to one of indifference.

 

“Well, get it together. I need you with a clear head for this case, because that one is certainly no good to me, head all up in the clouds with notions of love.” She gestured to the young woman sitting on the desk opposite of Lexa’s, Maya.

Maya was new to the firm. She had worked a summer internship there and showed so much promise, was offered a job straight out of law school. She had recently acquired a boyfriend if rumors were to be believed as true.

The girl blushed furiously at Indra’s words. “I-I-I’m sorry Indra.”

Lexa smiled faintly as the girl stumbled out her apology, until you got to know Indra and earned her respect, she was quite intimidating, terrifying really.

Indra offered a hostile “Mmmmm” accompanied with a vicious side-eye before pulling her bag onto her shoulder and heading out to her morning meeting.

“Don’t mind her,” Lexa assured around a grin once her mentor was out of earshot, looking back down at the case file she’d abandoned. “She’s not as mean as she seems.”

“She scares me.” Maya admitted.

Lexa actually laughed at that, looking back up at the other woman and smiling fondly before admitting, “She scared me too at first.”

Lexa really wasn’t one for making niceties with her colleagues; she assumed this is why Indra had taken to her. She only spoke to them when it was work related, never bothered with happy hour drinks on a Friday, and only attended events when it was absolutely unavoidable. But Maya seemed nice, and she was talented, and she was also stuck working with the two most anti-social people in the office; Lexa didn’t want to run her off, so for the first time in her career, she attempted small talk.

 “So, you’re in love huh?”

 Maya’s cheeks reddened further, and her eyes bulged slightly, clearly not expecting the question from Lexa.

“Uh- yeah I think so.” She scrunched her eyebrows in what looked to Lexa like confusion, before squaring her shoulders and confidently stating. “No. I am in love. Yes.”

Lexa chuckled at the girl again; she was quite amusing in her mannerisms.

“Well, don ‘t let it interfere with your work.” She offered as a token of advice. “As you can tell, Indra doesn’t take too well to bringing your personal life into the office.”

Maya nodded and drew her lips into her mouth momentarily before bursting out like she couldn’t possibly hold it in any more. “I try not to but it’s so hard. I’m just so… happy. Isn’t that a good thing? Being happy. I mean isn’t that just the best part about being in love? How you’re whole body is just taken over with this one giant, joyful emotion.”

The raven-haired girl stared off dreamily, and Lexa used the opportunity to offer a simple nod, before returning to her paperwork without another word.

Because she couldn’t tell her. Couldn’t tell this besotted young woman who was experiencing this wonderful feeling for what she assumed was the first time, that she was wrong. That love is not just one single almighty feeling that consumes every pore and fiber of your being. She wouldn’t tell her that the fucked up thing about love that it is not, in fact, just one overpowering emotion. That it’s all of them. Every single feeling and emotion that you could possibly fathom, and even ones you couldn’t. Fear. Happiness. Pain. Doubt. Anxiety. Jealously. Anticipation. Surprise. Envy. Indignation. Calm. Courage. Confusion.

Hope.

All of these dizzying emotions that are wrapped up in a compact little package that someone had so eloquently defined simply as 'love'.

But there was nothing simple about it.

She didn’t want to tarnish it, to taint it with her knowledge, her own experience. She wanted to let this woman believe. She wanted her to _hope_ , even for just a little while longer.

Because she remembered what it was like. Oh, how she remembered.

 

_They sat on the fire escape of Raven’s off-campus apartment wrapped together in a large patchwork blanket to defend themselves from the night’s chill, the music from the party inside was nothing more than a dull thud behind the closed window._

_Clarke took a sip from her red solo cup, staring in awe at the sky above them._

_“It’s fascinating, isn’t it?”_

_“Hm, what is?”_

_Lexa was distracted, and figured she must have missed some part of the conversation._

_“Space. The vastness of it, who knows what’s out there? It’s spectacular and mysterious and we’re only exposed to a fragment of it’s beauty with the stars. Fascinating.”_

_“Yeah, the stars are…” Lexa trailed off, she hadn’t been looking at the stars, she had been looking at Clarke._

_Clarke looked as radiant as always, blonde hair lightly curled, cerulean eyes twinkling with the effects of the alcohol, cheeks tinged pink from the cool night air, all talk about the enigma of a world beyond their own, she was beautiful. And Lexa was lucky enough to get to call her hers._

_When Lexa did manage to tear her eyes away from her girl and chance a glance to the sky above, it was cloudier than she had expected. From Clarke’s talk, she had anticipated a clear night, but you could hardly see the stars over the dusting of dark clouds._

_Lexa didn’t comment on it. Clarke always managed to find the splendor in even the bleakest things, she was an artist, even without her near constant paint stained hands, that was obvious._

_So Lexa kept her observation to herself, knowing that there was a magnificence to the world through Clarke’s eyes that she could never begin to comprehend._

_She wondered what Clarke saw when she looked at her._

_It started to rain, breaking her from her musings._

_She squealed in surprise when the first drops fell down the back of her shirt._

_Clarke leaned over and pressed a kiss to Lexa’s cheek and she said “Want to go back inside?” at the same moment as Lexa said “I’m in love with you.”_

_Clarke laughed, causing Lexa’s brow to furrow and her lips to form a frown._

_“I know that, silly.”_

_She stood, and held her hand out for Lexa to take, which the brunette did, because there would never be a day she would refuse that hand extended toward her._

_When they were both at eye level, Clarke squeezed Lexa’s cold hand in her warm one, her smile bright, but her eyes were serious. “I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”_

_Clarke kissed her as the angry sky above them unleashed it’s downpour, but neither girl cared, too lost in this moment of bliss when all their walls were down and they could just exist as them._

_It was Clarke that eventually broke the kiss, laughing again at how curly Lexa’s hair had gotten in the rain; she reached up to brush a stray strand that had clung to her girlfriend’s forehead._

_“Come on, let’s go inside.”_

_Lexa just nodded, lost for words, she didn’t think there were any more words for now, the most important ones had been said._

_///_

 

“Come on guys, you’re doing great! Push through that burn!”

Lexa’s thighs were on fire as she forced her legs to keeps moving at a sprint, channeling her focus on beating the heavy resistance rather than her intrusive and overwhelming thoughts.

“Keep going! The hardest part was walking through those doors this morning.”

Lexa scoffed at the man’s motivational encouragement. Walking through the doors was definitely not the hardest part about this day.

Octavia seemed to misinterpret her reaction and tilted closer to her from her own bike.

“Total bullshit right?“ she laughed but spoke in a hushed voice so that only Lexa could hear. “Some of these thirsty bitches are eating this right up though.”

Lexa offered her a tight smile before dropping her head to watch her legs painfully spin.

The sweat was pouring down the sides of her face and down her back, but she didn’t mind, she enjoyed it even. When she got really in the zone, it almost felt cleansing, like all her concerns and anxieties were just slipping away.

“Success won’t come to you, you have to reach out and grab it.”

 

_“You should go.”_

_Clarke was sitting on the couch staring her feet with great interest, but looked up at Lexa’s words, eyes wide with surprise and fear._

_“You should go.” Lexa repeated. “It’s a great opportunity, Clarke. You should take it.”_

_“But what about you?” Her girlfriend’s question was thick with panic and worry. “What about us?”_

_Lexa remained in her spot, perched on the armrest of the opposing chair. She pinched the bridge of her nose for a second, a habit whenever she found herself in a situation too much for her to handle._

_“I don’t know, Clarke.” She looked at her girlfriend and her heart clenched in her chest at the sight. “All I know is that success isn’t just handed to you. You have to work for it, reach out and grab it.”_

_Clarke looked exhausted, dark bags under her eyes, her hair a mess, barely held together in a flimsy ponytail, her cheeks were hollow, she lost weight, Lexa noted. She moved toward her, sitting closely on the couch, taking one of Clarke’s hands and held it firmly, encouraging the other woman to look at her._

_“This doesn’t have to be the end, Clarke.”_

_“Would you come with me?” The blonde asked hopefully._

_Lexa dropped her gaze for a moment, unable to witness that hope vanish from Clarke’s eyes, and shook her head._

_“I can’t. My job.” She struggled to find the words to say. “Things are going really good for me at the firm right now. If I just up and left… who knows when I’d get another opportunity like this.”_

_She looked back to Clarke, silently begging her to understand._

_Even if she didn’t, she nodded her head in acceptance anyway._

_“So, what will we do?”_

_Lexa remained quiet, this bomb had only just been dropped on her; she didn’t really have time to consider their options._

_“Ton DC isn’t that far away.” She wanted to try, to be optimistic, give some of that hope back to Clarke. “It’s what, like a two hour flight?”_

_Clarke nodded again._

_“So, we do long distance. And we visit each other when we can. And maybe eventually, when I’ve got more experience behind me, if things keep going well at work, I could look into firms in DC.”_

_It was desperate, how she spoke, but she wanted to try._

_Clarke didn’t look convinced. “You don’t believe in long distance.”_

_It was true. She had always felt long distance relationships were doomed to fail. She was a practical person, and a cynic still, deep down. Things had to be tangible for her. She wasn’t like Clarke, and though her girlfriend had changed her for the better over their years together, some things never change._

_“But I believe in us.”_

 

“So, how are you?”

“Fine.” Lexa stated plainly, throwing her gym bag over her shoulder and making her way toward the exit.

Octavia rolled her eyes, and grabbed her friend’s arm, forcing her to face her.

“Don’t lie to me, Lexa. I know you’re not ‘fine’.”

Lexa shrugged. “I am fine, Octavia. I have to be fine. What other choice do I have?”

It was a rhetorical question, but Lexa so desperately wanted her to answer it, wanted her to tell her what she could do, what would lessen this weight that had taken up residence in her chest.

“I don’t know, Lex.” Octavia looked genuinely apologetic that she didn’t have the words her friend wanted to hear. “Be angry if you want, be sad, be frustrated, but don’t bottle everything up.”

Lexa deflated, allowed her shoulders – and walls – to momentarily drop in front of this woman who had so rightfully earned her trust and vulnerability. “I don’t know how to do anything but cope.”

Octavia gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze.

“You’re the strongest person I know, Lexa. You’ve been through a lot, and you always come through fighting, but you have to remember that it’s ok to allow yourself to feel things. You don’t have to hold it together every second.”

Lexa scoffed. “You’ve been going to too many of Lincoln’s motivational spin classes.”

Her friend smiled. “He’s hot, what can I say?

Seriously though, Lex. You’ve just been through a break up, and Costia just moved out, you’ve just found out that Clarke is coming back; that’s a lot to take in one week. Be sad. No one expects you to put on a brave face.”

Lexa dropped her gaze again “When does she get in?”

"Raven’s picking her up from the airport at eight and taking her to her mom’s.”

“She’s staying with Abby?” Lexa was surprised. She wondered just how much had changed in the last two years.

“Just temporarily while she gets herself adjusted.” Octavia usually didn’t offer up much in the way of information to Lexa on what Clarke was doing, she knew it wouldn’t do her any good, but even she must have sensed that Lexa needed just that little bit today. “Abby wants her to live with her while she finishes out her residency, save money and whatnot.”

“And Clarke?” Lexa asked, the corner of mouth curling upward despite herself.

Octavia released a small chuckle too. “Clarke says she’d rather slice her own throat with her scalpel than spend two years under Abby Griffin’s roof.”

“Sounds like Clarke.”

Lexa was glad to know Clarke and her mother had seemingly mended some bridges in their strained relationship, but a small selfish part of her was happy to know that Clarke hadn’t changed completely.

“Yeah.” Octavia agreed, then became nervous, biting her bottom lip and avoiding eye contact.

“Is there something else?” Lexa prompted her.

“It’s just, uhm, Raven’s birthday.”

“What about it?”

“It’s next week.”

Lexa chortled. “Having celebrated it with her for almost a decade now, I’m well aware of when her birthday is, Octavia.”

“I know, but uhm,” her shorter friend uncharacteristically fidgeted with her hands, wringing them together. “Clarke will probably be there.”

It was silly of Lexa to not have thought of that. Raven was big on birthdays, always threw a big party and invited everyone they knew, of course Clarke would be there.

Realistically Lexa knew she would have to face Clarke at some point, how could she not when all their friends were the same? She just hadn’t given much thought to when that would be.

Just the knowledge of her ex being in the same city again had her in a tailspin; she didn’t dare to imagine what being in the same room as her would do.

She felt bad that her friends had to worry about this. About them. Especially after all this time.

So, with a brave face, Lexa hoped she was convincingly confident in assuring Octavia that “It’s totally fine. We can all hang out. We’re adults. We can be civil, I’m sure.”

When Octavia didn’t look like she believed her 100% she persisted.

“It’ll be nice to see her again. Really.”

Never one to push, Octavia dropped it, and they parted ways.

 

**

Safe in the confines her car, Lexa released a long exhale.

It would be nice to see Clarke again, she thought. She didn’t know what to expect from it, it had been years since they’d last spoken. It would be awkward as hell, of that she was certain, but Clarke had always had a wonderful ability to make awkward situations less so; Lexa really hoped that was something else that hadn’t changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for giving such a positive response to this story. I'm really enjoying writing it and it's so encouraging to know people are reading it and enjoying it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone's still reading this, thank you for being so patient, I'm sorry for the wait, I hit a bit of mind road block. The end of this chapter was also written a little rushed so if there are spelling mistakes or anything doesn't make sense, I promise to look at it with fresh eyes in a few hours and make any necessary adjustments.

 

 

> "Sometimes in love, you see someone as the whole damn universe, but to them you are just a star in their sky"

 

Lexa had never been very good with processing emotions, or exhibiting them for that matter. It was how she was reared. She was simply a product of her environment.

She hadn’t come from an unhappy home, far from it, but her parents were no-nonsense types. She and her sister were never coddled. If they threw a tantrum in the middle of the supermarket, their mother would simply walk away as though she had never before encountered such raucous, misbehaved children before in her life, uncaring of the disapproving looks she received from other shoppers. They wanted for nothing, but were never spoiled; they were taught to work hard, to never assume, and to never feel entitled to something unless they had truly earned it.

Lexa had an extremely happy childhood, but happiness, along with more contentious emotions; she had learned to keep inside. Her parents didn’t tolerate outward displays of anger or sadness, they found it incredibly unbecoming, not to mention inconvenient. Her father had always taught her to play her cards close to her chest, that happiness was easy, she could show some level of that – the entire world pretends to be happy, he would say, you could hide anything with a smile – but the other emotions, the ones that left you vulnerable and bare, they should be for you and you alone, keep those ones out of view and you’d be safe, you’d always have the upper hand.

For the most part, Lexa had assumed this to be true. Her parents had never steered her wrong before, why should she not accept their teachings as gospel?

That changed when she met Clarke Griffin, she never really stood a chance when it came to her. Clarke Griffin swooped into Lexa’s life like a hurricane, stripping her of all the guards she’d so carefully surrounded herself with, leaving her feeling almost constantly exposed and defenseless. She was so raw and naked when it came to Clarke that the blonde didn’t even have to try when it came to reaching her hand in to Lexa’s chest and pulling her heart out to keep it all for herself, figuratively speaking, of course. All it had taken was a smile that day back in the library, and Lexa was a goner. The intensity of those blue eyes was enough to ignite something in Lexa, and with just a look, she was locked on to the idea of Clarke; she had hope.

Clarke helped her learn that it was safe to be vulnerable sometimes, that it was ok to lash out in sadness and anger, that “life isn’t about avoiding pain”, because ultimately, keeping it all stored away would slowly drive you mad, whether you knew it was happening or not. She had learned to start embracing her emotions, not hide them like a dirty secrets; to lower the shields of her guarded heart, not only with Clarke, but with those around her, the important people.

 

_A loud crash sounded when Lexa threw the glass vase against the living room wall – swarofski crystal, a housewarming gift from Abby– sending it flying into a million pieces around the wooden floor._

_She looked up, catching sight of herself in the mirror that hung between the coat rack and the door; she was a mess - curly hair sat in a frenzied heap atop her head, eyes swollen and red from hours spent crying, though she wasn’t quite close enough she could faintly make out how painfully chapped her lips looked, and the shirt she wore - one of Clarke’s old Polis University tshirts that still smelt faintly like the blonde though Lexa had probably worn it more than she ever did – was stained._

_If her mother could see her now._

_Lexa smiled mirthlessly at the thought._

_A harsh knocking on the apartment door drew her attention and she padded carelessly barefoot through the broken glass to answer it._

_She barely had a chance to register the visitor who wasted no time in breezing through the entrance with an easy confidence like she owned the place._

_“Jesus Christ, Lexa, this place is disgusting.”_

_Lexa seethed, clenching her teeth and stiffening her upper lip. “What do you want, Anya?”_

_Her sister turned around to look at her, scanning her eyes up and down over Lexa’s frame._

_“Never mind the apartment.” Anya’s voice was thick with amusement, mocking almost, but in her eyes Lexa saw concern, and that alone calmed the younger girl, dropping her shoulders in defeat. “This place is nothing compared to how shitty you look.”_

_Lexa looked away, embarrassed under her sister’s gaze. Anya had never seen her so weak and emotionally unarmed._

_She could lie to her, tell her she didn’t have time to clean the place with her heavy workload since returning from DC, but Anya would see right through that. Plus, she really had no convincing reasoning for her current state of appearance._

_Anya knew, without her having to say a word, she knew._

_The older woman stepped closer to her, far more mindful of the shards of glass than Lexa had been, and gently closed the front door before turning back to her sister and placing a strong, comforting hand on her shoulder._

_“You broke up.”_

_It wasn’t a question; so Lexa nodded, collapsing into Anya’s arms as another violent sob ripped through her._

_Anya pulled her sister into a tight hug, surprising her. They had never been a family inclined towards affection; Lexa couldn’t even remember the last time she’d hugged any of them, but she held on to her sister like a lifeline in that moment, relishing in the comfort of the strong arms that felt like the only thing holding her together._

Lexa longed for that comfort now, for her sister’s strength.

She had built a life of her own in the last two and half years, a life she was proud of. It had been difficult initially, learning to maneuver through it by herself having spent the majority of her adult life sharing it with Clarke, but she had managed, albeit reverting to a lot of her old ways in order to do so. This included closing herself off, shutting herself down emotionally.

This had been something that had caused a lot of tension and strife between her and Costia, she knew. Because while she improved and thawed out again through her time with Costia, she knew she had never given the girl her all, she deserved her at her best but Lexa had always just been trying to find her way, to what, she was still unsure.

She was relatively happy. She had a good, stable job, a roof over her head, friends who loved her, who worried about her though there was little reason to anymore.

She coped just fine.

She was ok, she reminded herself as she applied the finishing touches to her smokey eye. She rarely wore excessive make-up, but Clarke had always loved her with heavy eye shadow - not that she was doing it for the blonde’s benefit, of course.

Lexa was nervous, there was no denying that, and if Clarke could still read her the way she used to, she’d see it instantly.

She had of course known this day would come, that she would eventually encounter the blonde at some point in her lifetime - at a mutual friend’s wedding, or a college reunion perhaps - she just hadn’t counted on it being so soon (if you could really count almost three years as ‘soon’).

Still, the knowledge of such an inevitability had not left her remotely prepared for seeing her ex, she wasn’t sure any amount of time that passed would ready her for that.

Her phone buzzed indicating the arrival of her Uber.

Lexa gave herself one last once over in the mirror. She looked good, she thought. She had opted for a tight, black, long sleeved bodycon dress that fell to just above her knee, paired with rose gold heels, and simple jewellery, her hair hanging loosely styled over one shoulder.

She took one last steadying breath, glancing back in to the living room that she had once shared with the girl she was now so nervous to come face to face with - to the spot where that ugly crystal vase had once held pride of place on a decorative shelf, to the corner by the far right window where Clarke’s easel and paints had once called home, to the couch that, if it could blush, it would, at all the _memories_ between the couple that were stored in it’s cushions. It would be almost laughable that she was so daunted by this person she once knew so intimately, but, when her eyes paused on the faded armchair near the bookcase, the one she had spent hours, and days, and weeks curled up in crying, she failed to see the humor in it.

 

/

 

She clutched her black suede purse tightly as the car made it’s way through the streets of Polis, hoping the material was absorbent enough for how much her palms were sweating, watching as the familiar buildings outside the car window melded together until they were nothing more than a flashing blue of neon lights

She regretted now not having that large glass of wine while she was getting ready as the vehicle pulled up at the lounge where Raven’s party was taking place. Some liquid courage certainly wouldn’t go amiss.

Two burly, bald men stood guard in front of the giant black entrance, a pink florescent sign shining brightly above their heads; Lexa used this final moment to brace herself.

This was it.

 

/

 

A.L.I.E.’s was the trendiest lounge bar in Polis, and had been since it opened its doors six years ago. It was _the_ hotspot, the place to be for anyone young, successful, and not afraid to drop a few dollars on expensive drinks.

When the group had made their first appearance at the lounge they were definitely young, not yet successful, and certainly didn’t have the money to spend on overpriced rum, but like any college student, that didn’t deter them.

 

_“Fake it ‘til you make it.” Raven shrugged, shimmying first out of the taxicab._

_The other three girls ambling out in turn behind her, all delightfully buzzed from cheap, pregame vodka._

_“Looks expensive.” Octavia noted with hesitance when they stepped through the doors a week after the bar’s opening night. Lexa was surprised they could even get in, the queue seemed never ending, but some guy that owed Raven a favor worked the bar and promised to get them on the guest list._

_Clarke beamed at Lexa’s side, squeezing her hand tightly._

_“Come on, O. Let’s live large for one night.”_

_Octavia sighed in resignation at losing her battle of convincing everyone to go to their favorite dive-bar, too used to her friends’ wild notions. She was glad when Clarke met Lexa, the seemingly only other voice of reason in their (now) foursome._

_They found a table easily enough; it was still early so the crowd was minimal. Raven insisted on getting the first round in, and the others were more than happy to let her._

_“What do you think?” Clarke whispered in Lexa’s ear as she scooted close to her in their booth._

_Lexa looked around, examining her surroundings, and shrugged._

_It kind of looks like The Bronze.” She answered alluding to the dim lighting and sleazy looking men, plus the reference was fresh in her mind from the couple’s Buffy marathon the weekend prior._

_Clarke threw her head back in a hearty laugh. “Oh my god, you’re such a nerd.”_

_Lexa’s cheeks tinged pink, even after all this time._

_Clarke’s laughter settled but her bright smile remained when she leaned in to place a quick kiss to Lexa’s cheek. “But you’re my nerd and I love you.”_

_The brunette’s cheeks reddened even further, her heart banging wildly in her chest. She didn’t think there would ever come a time when hearing Clarke say those words didn’t ignite that reaction from her._

_“I love you too.”_

_“Can you two please stop being so gross for like ten minutes? The alcohol in my stomach hasn’t quite settled and I might be inclined to barf all over your new shoes.” Raven threatened playfully as she settled a tray of drinks in front of her friends._

_“To...” Raven trailed off, staring down to the shot glass in her hand with a furrowed brow before looking back up and at each of her friends in turn. “Er- what are we cheers-ing to?”_

_Lexa and Octavia shrugged._

_“To forever friendships.” Clarke spoke up confidently, giving Lexa’s hand another tight squeeze to assure her she meant much more for them. “And to the future successes we will hopefully have that will enable us to afford swanky bars like this.”_

_They all raised their glasses in unison to that._

_“To our inevitable riches” Raven found her voice again. “Though, Miss Trust-Fund Princess, it may be a while before you’re earning the big bucks if you decide to quit med school.”_

_“Good thing she has her sugar mama to support her.” Octavia winked, nodding her head in Lexa’s direction._

_Clarke laughed along with her friends, but Lexa still felt the need to play the part of protective girlfriend._

_“Clarke is a wonderful artist!” She defended. “I’m sure she’ll have great success in her craft should she decide that is the path she wishes to follow.”_

_"_ _Okay, settle down Commander, it was just a joke.” Octavia laughed along with the other two, patting Lexa’s back._

_“I hate that nickname…” Lexa sulked, looking down into her own glass._

_“Enough chit-chat! DRINK!”_

_And with Raven’s exclamation the foursome downed their first round of shots, chasing them quickly with the rum and cokes Raven had also brought._

_/_

_“Ugh, I don’t even know where I want to be next month.” Clarke groaned, referring to her recent dilemma of whether to continue medicine or pursue art as a profession._

_Lexa only wanted Clarke to do what made her happy, but couldn’t argue with her girlfriend’s point that it seemed like such a waste of so many years spent studying to be a doctor only to “drop it like a hot potato” and Clarke still loved medicine, she’d just found a lot more inspiration to draw again over the last three years and it would definitely be a lighter workload, so she doubted her choices a little bit. That wasn’t uncommon with people of their age Lexa often reminded her._

_“I want to own my own gym. Maybe make it ladies only.”_

_“Are you batting for their team now and forgot to tell us, O?” Raven teased, knowing full well that her friend’s ideas were more to do with the beef-head gym fiend that had just dumped her earlier in the week._

_Octavia shoved Raven in response but her tipsiness affected her normally precise agility and her hand fell lamely behind the other girl instead._

_What about you Lexa? Where do you see yourself in five years?”_

_Lexa didn’t know how to answer Raven’s question. If she were 100% truthful, she’d tell them she wanted to be right here, sitting with them, drinking and being silly, that she didn’t want anything to change – aside from Clarke’s ring finger being so bare, she thought in her dreamy drunken haze, but it was far too early for talk like that, so instead she went a more shallow avenue._

_“I’d like to be a junior partner in a reputable firm. Maybe not in the next five years per se, that would be a little overly optimistic, but certainly by the time I’m thirty.”_

_“Ok big shot,” Raven squared her shoulders, elbows propped on the table, looking Lexa directly in the eye. “When we’re thirty, and you’re some accomplished, affluent, heavy weight lawyer, you have to buy us the most expensive bottle of champagne in this joint.”_

_Raven extended her hand to seal the deal._

_“What do I get out of this?” Lexa inquired, eyeing the proffered palm . It didn’t exactly seem beneficial from her perspective._

_“The eternal gratitude and happiness of your friends.” Octavia supplied._

_“You two are terrible business women.” She observed, smirking around the rim of her glass._

_“I’m not hearing you say no, so I’ll be holding you to it, Commander.” Raven winked and Lexa just rolled her eyes at the nickname she didn’t actually hate as much as she let on._

Now, standing in the room that had changed so much in decor, but still maintained it’s original vibe, here was Lexa, still young, though now successful, and with a spare buck or two to allow her to follow through with the non-agreement agreement she had made with Raven all those years ago.

She chanced a glance at the booth the friends had shared on their first visit which was now occupied by a group of dude-bros in well fitted suits with loosened ties and their shirts opened at the top button, all sharing a bottle of Moet. She scoffed at the image they were trying to convey, oblivious to how off-putting they actually looked.

She moved further into the lounge, toward the back area Raven had reserved for her party. It was small; their friend circle had thinned considerably after college, but Raven was still popular, so she had two large booths, and one smaller table cornered off.

Lexa felt nauseous as she scanned the space with earnest caution; trying to look casual but knowing she was failing miserably. Her heart sunk despite herself when she caught no sight of the blonde who had occupied her mind almost continuously for weeks now. She had worked herself up so much and Clarke wasn’t even there; she wasn’t sure if the feeling that washed over her was relief or disappointment but either way an uncomfortable sensation had settled in her stomach.

“Lexa, hey. Long time no see.” A deep voice came from behind her, startling her. “You’re jumpier than I remember.”

The curly haired man chuckled.

“Bellamy.” She smiled, moving to hug her old friend. “How are you? I thought you were still out East working on the rigs?”

“And miss Raven’s big 3-0? She’d never let me forget it.” The two laughed at the truth in his words. Raven’s birthday was always a big deal, but this one especially so. “Plus I had some vacation days coming to me so figured what better time to cash in on them?”

Lexa smiled fondly again. “Well, it’s really great to see you. You look well.”

“So do you.” He commented sincerely, a friendly glint in his eye. His expression grew serious then, “She got held up at the hospital.”

“I beg your pardon?” Lexa feigned confusion.

“Clarke.” He knew it wasn’t necessary, but he offered her the courtesy of humoring her false perplexity nonetheless. “Raven and Octavia would kill me for even mentioning it, they swore me to a vow of silence when it comes to the C word around you, but you looked like you were looking for something, or rather, some _one._ Doesn’t take a genius to figure out who.” He shrugged, offering another gentle smile, “She’s coming.”

Lexa looked down at her hands, fingering a non-distinct pattern into the suede fabric of her purse.

“Clarke’s comings and goings aren’t really any business of mine.” She spoke quietly, and if she had looked up, she would have loathed the sympathy in Bellamy’s dark eyes.

The man gave her arm a gentle squeeze. “I better go get these beers to the guys before they get warm, but hey, come by and say hi in a bit, yeah?”

Lexa nodded but kept her gaze low. She couldn’t help how weighed down she felt. Knowing Clarke was coming would definitely keep her on edge, it also made her sad in realization that other people knew more about Clarke than she did now, even with something as insignificant as her getting delayed.

“Don’t look so depressed, you’re not the one turning thirty.” Raven appeared in the spot Bellamy had just vacated, brandishing two flutes of champagne; extending, one to Lexa who forced a smile onto her face that she hoped looked at least somewhat genuine.

She gladly accepted the drink and downed in record time.

“Woah, so we’re having that kind of night eh?” Raven turned back in the direction of the bar where Octavia stood waiting to be served. “O, get in two more.” She looked back to Lexa and noted her restlessness. “On second thought, maybe some whiskeys.”

Octavia just nodded.

“Lex, you ok?” Raven’s tone was cautious but laced in concern. “That’s a stupid question, of course you’re not. Look, there’s two booths, and Octavia and I are here to run interference where necessary, you don’t even have to talk to Clarke.”

Lexa hated that her friends thought her incapable of withstanding this situation (no matter how right they may be), she was stronger than that, the past number of years had shown her that.

Shook her head.

“No, no really I’m fine. I just need a drink.”

Raven narrowed her eyes, clearly skeptical. If she planned on furthering the discussion, she didn’t show it when Octavia came over with their drinks.

“Here’s to our resident genius making it through three decades in relatively one piece.” Octavia raised her glass, eyes dropping momentarily to Raven’s injured knee from her college soccer days; it wasn’t a serious injury and to look at it now you’d never know it had been damaged at all, though it ended her prosperous sports career, and still got sore in winter, she claimed.

“Happy birthday, Rae.” Lexa clinked glasses with her friends, savoring the harsh taste of the neat whiskey as it burned it’s way down her throat.

“Hey Raven, what’s Echo doing here?” Octavia leaned in closer so that only the other two girls could hear.

Raven shrugged. “We’re friends-ish. Besides, Bellamy asked me to invite her.”

“Bellamy? I thought he said he couldn’t ever trust her again after what she did?” Lexa wasn’t usually one for gossip but this information surprised her, and seemed to surprise the man in question’s sister too, if her baffled expression was anything to go by. Plus, Lexa was eager to get the burning spotlight off herself.

Raven raised her hands in surrender. “Hey, don’t look at me, I don’t care who shows up. They’re mostly only seat fillers anyway, I only care that you guys are here.”

She pulled her friends into an awkward hug, the three of them trying to ensure their drinks remained in their glasses with great difficulty.

“Ugh. How much have you had to drink?” Octavia accused, dramatically wiping at her cheek after the sloppy kiss Raven had planted there. “Getting all mooshy on us already.”

Raven just laughed. “Everyone got a plus one, not my problem you two spinsters chose to show up alone.”

“I’ll have you know, I did invite someone, he just had to drop his cousin to the bus station.” Octavia crossed her arms and looked challengingly at her friend. “Where’s your plus one, huh Raven?”

Raven offered her a devilish smirk before pointing to the tall, handsome man standing by the bar talking to Raven’s coworker, Monty.

“Who’s that?” Octavia angled herself to get a better look at her friend’s date.

“Name’s Wick, he just started working at the lab. Killer bod.” She winked.

“You know you shouldn’t eat where you crap.”

“Octavia!” Lexa admonished, “Don’t be so crude.”

“Sorry _mom_.”

Raven laughed at the pair. “Where else am I gonna meet someone, huh? You two are always so busy these days, I’d have to scour the bar scene solo to find an eligible bachelor, and I’m not quite that desperate yet.”

Their laughter was interrupted by a husky voice that made Lexa choke on the sip of whiskey she’d just taken.

“Happy birthday Raven.”

Lexa’s blood ran cold, her limbs felt numb and every last bit of moisture in her mouth seemed to evaporate in an instant; she felt frozen in place, her sudden paralysis preventing her from turning around to confirm that her memory served her correctly, to confirm that the familiar voice came from the lips she’d kissed a million times over.

She didn’t need to turn to confirm who was standing behind her though, because Octavia’s widened eyes and Raven’s subsequent gleeful squealing confirmed it for her.

“Oh my god, you made it.”

“Of course, you think a ruptured appendix was going to keep me from my best friend’s birthday?”

If Lexa weren’t so distracted in panic she would have probably laughed, because she could hardly remember the last time Clarke had bothered to make it home for anyone’s birthday.

 

_“I can’t believe you right now.”_

_“Lexa.” Clarke sighed on the other end of the line. “You know I’d be there if I could.”_

_“I just don’t see why someone can’t cover you?”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“You’re always ‘sorry’ Clarke.” Lexa spat, rising from her bed and pacing the length of it._

_“What do you want me to do? They need me here. This is important!” Clarke's rage matched her own and she could feel the venom coursing through her words._

_“And what? I’m not important? You don’t think I need you too?” Lexa swallowed thickly in an attempt to rid the tightness that had formed in her throat. Her eyes brimmed with fresh tears. This was so much more than this face value argument._

_“It’s just a birthday, I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal about it. We can celebrate when you visit next month.”_

_Clarke’s cold indifference tore through Lexa like a spear. She felt foolish. She never held much mass in birthdays, not since she was a child, thinking it frivolous to make a spectacle out of what was essentially, just another day but Clarke had always berated her for that cynical view._

_Lexa allowed her body to sag, shoulders curving over in resignation._

_“Yeah. Just a birthday.” She half-heartedly agreed, unable to mask the disappointment in her tone. “Look, I gotta go, I have court in the morning and I need to go through these depositions for Indra.”_

_“Lexa?” Clarke’s voice was quiet but desperate; Lexa stayed silent, waiting for her to continue. She didn’t._

_“Goodnight, Clarke.”_

_“Night, Lex.” A beat passed. “I love you.”_

_“Yeah, you too.”_

_With that Lexa ended the call, noting that as the first time she hadn’t said ‘I love you’ to Clarke before bed, in six years._

 

The low resentment that boiled within her at the memory was enough to thaw Lexa’s frozen body out of it’s stupor. She sucked in a subtle, steadying breath and turned to face her ex.

“Lexa.” Clarke’s tone held surprise, and a hint of something else that Lexa couldn’t quite place.

Offering the girl a terse nod and a curt “Clarke” in acknowledgement, Lexa shoved past her, and took up residence at the bar, raising a hand to the bartender to get his attention; only peeking over her shoulder once to find a taller man with shaggy hair sidle up next to Clarke and hand her what looked like a valet ticket, the other hand finding the base of her back with practiced ease, before whispering something in her ear.

She faced toward the bar again, clenching her jaw; she spoke to the bartender again through tightly grit teeth.

Make it a double.”

 

/

 

The night wore on with relative ease; Lexa had managed to avoid Clarke save for a handful of stolen glances.

She hadn’t known exactly what to expect, or what she would feel when she saw her former love again after so long. She had of course presumed it would be emotional, but what she hadn’t counted on was the simmering anger and resentment that bubbled through her when she had come face to face with the blonde.

She hadn’t harbored any hatred for Clarke after their break up, sure, there were moments of bitter reflection when she was mad at the other girl for not fighting harder for them, but those moments were often fleeting. It was unusual that that was the first thing she felt upon seeing her again.

She had mellowed out with a few more drinks and the distraction of the other guests. She really didn’t get out very much anymore; it was nice to see all the familiar faces.

“- and I just couldn’t say no. I mean he’s so cute and smart and – “ she was only half listening to the story this woman, Harper, was telling her about how Monty had proposed, when her eyes found Clarke again; she was in an animated conversation with Bellamy and Murphy, everyone laughing at something she had said, everyone giving her their undivided attention - the way people always did around Clarke. The unfamiliar male that had been lurking around her all night was not even a foot away, pretending to talk to Octavia, but like Lexa, his attention was mostly on Clarke.

Lexa felt jealousy and vexation course through her veins. Who was this guy? Did Octavia and Raven know Clarke was brining him? Did they know who he was prior to this evening? Surely they would have warned her if Clarke were bringing a date of the romantic variety? But then again, Bellamy had mentioned that everyone was actively avoiding mentioning anything at all about Clarke to Lexa.

She tried in vain to remind herself that Clarke’s affairs were none of her business; that Raven and Octavia were not obligated to disclose the other girl’s relationships to her, but Lexa was still upset.

She placed a gentle hand on Harper’s arm to cease the other woman’s ramblings and excused herself to the bathroom for reprieve.

She chanced another glance in Clarke’s direction on her way, noting the girl was still deep in conversation with their old friends, she didn’t even seem to notice Lexa’s eyes on her.

 

/

 

Lexa bypassed the bathrooms and made straight for the patio in the back of the building that housed a dozen or so tables and chairs, and an elaborate fire pit in the middle that most of the patrons congregated around.

“You got a light?” She asked two guys who sat at one of the tables nearest the door.

One of them nodded and wordlessly lifted it up to the cigarette situated between her lips.

“Thanks.”

Lexa turned away from the men, moving closer to the fire pit and staring intently at the large, hypnotizing flames.

She took a long, deep drag of the cigarette, relishing the effects of the nicotine as it worked it’s way through her system, the thick warmth filling her chest, the slight burning a welcome sensation.

“Those things will kill you, you know.”

Lexa froze in place, though recovered much more smoothly than she had the last time that voice had crept up on her that evening. She released a slow exhale of smoke, side eying the women next to her with a raised eyebrow.

“Is that so?”

Clarke moved from her side to the empty spot in front of Lexa, sitting on the rim of the fire pit.

Lexa stared past her, her attention back on the raging flames.

“Mmhmm, I’m a doctor. I would know.”

Lexa took another purposeful inhale from the stick in her hand.

“I’m sure you would.” She answered through her exhale, positioning her lips so that the smoke didn’t flow in Clarke’s direction.

Clarke never liked smoking. Weed? Sure, on occasion back in college, but never regular cigarettes.

“I thought you quit those things?”

“I did.”

The blonde pulled her lips into her mouth in a tight, awkward smile, nodding her head.

Lexa felt a hint of guilt ping in her chest. She was being actively cold to Clarke with little reason. Here Clarke was, having sought Lexa out, and Lexa couldn’t even give her the time of day.

What infuriated Lexa more though was that she knew she didn’t owe Clarke the courtesy of small talk. She didn’t owe her anything, not after all this time. Yet here she was, feeling guilty for not giving her more.

“You look well.”

Lexa broke her gaze from the fire to look at Clarke.

She took a brief moment to take her in. Her face had filled out a bit, she hadn’t really aged but she looked older, more mature, her hair was darker than Lexa remembered, warmer, it suited her, but her eyes, those dazzling blues that had transfixed Lexa from day one, those remained unchanged.

“So do you.” She finally admitted.

Clarke gave a bashful smile, ducking her head in the way she only did when she was embarrassed, or felt unworthy of a compliment. Lexa wondered if it meant something different now. If even that had changed.

Another silence.

Lexa sighed softly to herself, and moved to sit next to Clarke on the rim of the fire pit, outing her cigarette on the concrete next to her and folding her fist around the bud. She noticed Clarke eyeing the movement.

“I may have my vices, Clarke, but littering isn’t one of them.”

Clarke chuckled at that and Lexa’s heart flew into her throat at the sound, nostalgia washing over her - the type of feeling that comes from finding an old picture you forgot existed.

The corners of Lexa’s lips quirked up despite herself, and Clarke mirrored her expression when her stare moved back to Lexa’s face.

“You really do look good.”

“Thank you, Clarke.”

Another beat of silence surrounded them. Lexa wasn’t sure what she was expected to say. There was so much she wanted to ask, so much she wanted to know, so much she wanted to _say_ , but she knew it wouldn’t do her any good; that ultimately it would only serve to rip open old wounds. So she stayed quiet, stealing a quick glance out of the corner of her eye to Clarke who was fidgeting with her hands. She noticed the lack of chipped nail polish – a staple of Clarke’s, or at least it had been before her internship – her short, slender fingers that worked miracles every day, the same hands she knew her own fit so perfectly in; for the briefest moments she contemplated reaching out and taking one, but Clarke’s quiet voice brought her back to reality before she could do something so silly.

“Raven said you had someone.”

Her voice was quiet. Cautious. Lexa understood. If she was the one dipping her toe into this territory, she’d be careful too, wary of hearing something she may not want to hear.

“I did.”

Lexa didn’t miss the slight change in Clarke’s blank expression at her use of the past tense; she also didn’t miss the way Clarke swallowed before continuing.

“Was she good to you?”

“She was.”

She admitted it so easily because Costia _was_ good. She was perfect. She was more than what Lexa deserved, she deserved more than the scraps of herself that were left for Lexa to give her.

Clarke offered a sad smile.

“Good.”

Lexa’s anger had fizzled somewhat. Clarke’s presence calming her in the way that only Clarke could, ironic really.

And Lexa thought about how she hoped that if Clarke had someone, that they treated her right, that they held her close when she was cold (no matter how rare that was) or she when she was anxious (even though she hid it well) – she hoped if she had someone they could see those things – and she hoped that they held her hand just because they were afraid to ever let her go. She hoped that Clarke had found someone who closed their eyes when they kissed her, because the magic of Clarke’s kisses deserved to be cherished.

She hoped that Clarke had found someone who made her feel wanted, who told her goodnight, and who kissed her good morning; who asked how her day was and actually cared.

She hoped that whoever was lucky enough to hold Clarke’s heart after her, checked on her when she was lonely; could tell she was lonely behind the brave smile and sunny disposition she often hid.

She hoped that her successor wiped away Clarke’s tears and chose her every single day. She hoped they appreciated the gift of Clarke’s kindness.

She hoped this person lent an ear to Clarke to rant when she’d had a hard day at the hospital and offered her the assurance and comfort she needed, even though Clarke would resist.

She hoped they shared Clarke’s excitement in the little things. Hoped they placed her in high priority and stayed even when times were hard – as she had failed to do.

She hoped they understand that Clarke has flaws, that she’s perfect in her imperfections; that she can be needy and sometimes clingy, but that’s just how she cares.

She hoped they loved Clarke for all the ways she is, not just because of her breathtaking beauty and her quick wit.

She hopes all these things for Clarke, even though she’s still angry, even though she’s still sad and hurt, even though she blames Clarke more than she blames herself, because Clarke is _so_ worthy of love, and she gives so much of it in return.

When she looked back at her, Clarke seemed to be trying to read something on Lexa’s face, she appeared frustrated in being unable to do so, biting her lip and looked away.

Lexa knew she shouldn’t, but she couldn’t stop herself. “What?”

“Nothing.” Clarke dismissed shaking her head.

This may not be the same Clarke that Lexa once knew but she could still tell when Clarke was burning to ask something.

“Clarke…” she pressed in her voice that said, cut the crap.

“Look, it’s none of my business but… You said you _did_ have someone.” She shrugged. “Why don’t you _still?”_

Lexa snickered good-naturedly. It was _so_ like Clarke to be hung up on that. She was always a curious character.

Lexa contemplated telling her that she was right, that it certainly was none of her business, but she had never been much in the habit of lying to Clarke; she didn’t see any point in starting now.

She released a heavy sigh.

 “I didn’t really have much to give her aside from some broken pieces of my heart that I hoped were enough. They weren’t.” 

Clarke hung her head again, shaking it. “Lexa, I’m-“

“Don’t.” Lexa cut her off. “Just… don’t.”

Neither of them whispered a word.

“Clarke.” An unfamiliar voice called from the doorway. Both girls looked up to the source, and Lexa couldn’t help the downturn of her lips when she saw it came from the guy Clarke had arrived with – she now wished she had taken her turn to ask a question, ask who this guy was, was he the boyfriend?

“Hey.” Clarke gave him a weak smile as he approached; remembering her manners, “Oh, this is Lexa. Lexa, this is Finn.”

 _Finn_. Lexa scrunched her eyebrows together momentarily. That was definitely a name she had heard before but from where, she struggled to recall.

“Nice to meet you, Lexa.” The baby-faced man extended a hand to her. She stared at it before reluctantly shaking.

“Nice to meet you too.” _Lie_.

He returned his attention to Clarke. “We should get going, it’s getting late and everyone’s pretty wasted inside.”

Clarke looked to Lexa expectantly. Did she want her to tell her to stay? What did Clarke _want_ from her?

 

_“What do you want from me, Lexa?”_

_“I want you to want us. I want you to work for us. I want you to **choose** us.” _

_Clarke sat on the green futon in the middle of her small apartment’s living room, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration._

_“What does that even mean?”_

_Lexa sighed, plopping down on the couch a few feet away from her girlfriend._

_“It means choose us. It means put us first for a change. Make an effort.”_

_Clarke looked up, her eyes a mix of hurt and anger._

_“That’s not fair, Lexa.”_

_“Isn’t it?” She shot back. “Because it certainly feels fair. When’s the last time you came to Polis, huh? Coz I sure as hell can’t remember. It’s always me coming out here to you, and I get here and you either work or want to go out with your friends, which is fine, I’m glad you have people, but we hardly ever see each other, Clarke, it’d be nice to spend time to ourselves. Enjoy each other.”_

_“We spend plenty of time by ourselves.” Clarke argued in her defense._

_“Yeah sure, watching movies for hours on end holed up in this pocket sized apartment.”_

_Clarke looked hurt by that and Lexa immediately felt guilty, but she stood strong, she’d already apologized enough over the past few months._

_“You used to like being holed up together all weekend.” Clarke mumbled petulantly._

_Lexa sighed again, not knowing what to say. Because of course she loved being cuddled up on the couch with her girl, of course she liked to pretend no one else in the world existed but them but “It’d just be nice to go out and do things sometimes.”_

_Clarke nodded but said nothing._

_“I just feel like you don’t want to try anymore, Clarke. Like you’ve just given up on us. I don’t feel like you’re in this with me anymore.” Lexa trailed off, feeling the weight lift from her chest at finally saying these words out loud. “You never text me first anymore, I’m lucky if I even get a reply at the best of times.”_

_“You know how swamped I am at the hospital. I thought you understood that. I can’t just lock myself in on call rooms and waste the day away with you playing Words with Friends, Lexa. It’s competitive; it’s the Hunger Games out there. I need to be on top of my game all the damn time.”_

_“I do understand, Clarke. And I’ve tried to be supportive and I’ve tried to give you space to do your thing and be this surgical rockstar but I can’t keep giving and getting nothing in return._ _I think about you non-stop, Clarke. You’re my first thought in the morning and my last thought before I go to sleep at night. I sit around wondering if you’re happy, what surgery you’re in, how your day’s going, and then I feel foolish because I know you’re not thinking about me at all.”_

_“Of course I think about you. What kind of thing is that to say?”_

_“Well you could have fooled me, Clarke. Do you know how far a quick ‘hello’ text would go? A funny snapchat? I expect so little now, that something that miniscule would probably make my whole week. How pathetic is that?”_

_Clarke had stood from the futon and kneeled on the ground in front of Lexa, her hands placed gently on the brunette’s knees._

_“Lexa,” She whispered desperately, tapping her finger lightly on her leg, “Lex, look at me, please.”_

_Lexa lifted her gaze to meet Clarke’s. The blonde’s eyes were brimming with tears, guilt, and unspoken apologies. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel that way. I never meant to.”_

_“But you did.”_

_“And I’m so sorry for that. But Lexa, relationships aren’t always easy, and being away from each other like we are doesn’t make it any easier. I’d love to spend all day and night texting you or calling just to hear your voice, but I’m so busy, and so tired all the time and… it doesn’t excuse me making you feel alone.”_

_“No, it doesn’t.”_

_Lexa surprised herself with how strongly she stuck to her resolve. She was glad that Clarke now saw the pain she had been in, the isolation she had felt, but her intention wasn’t to drag Clarke along on a guilt trip._

_“Look, Clarke, what’s done is done. It doesn’t do to dwell on the past.”_

_Clarke looked panicked at the resignation in Lexa’s tone._

_“Are you dumping me?”_

_Lexa looked away, shaking her head. “I don’t know.”_

_“What can I do?” She pleaded._

_Lexa looked at her, torn. She knew what would be best, not just for her, but for both of them. But that’s not what she wanted. She wanted Clarke._

_"I don’t know.” She admitted sadly._

_Clarke grabbed her girlfriend’s hands, gripped them tight like she was afraid if she didn’t that Lexa would evaporate into thin air. “I’ll make more of an effort. I promise. I love you. So much.”_

_The sound of a beeper going off cut through the emotional tension in the room. Clarke glanced sideways, she knew she needed to check it but Lexa could tell she feared that doing so would be the wrong choice. That that one move would make or break them._

_Lexa understood. She always understood. She squeezed Clarke’s hands and nodded for her to take the page._

_Clarke gave her apologetic but grateful look, running to her purse to find the damn thing._

_“It’s a 9-1-1.” She informed Lexa, looking up almost fearful._

_“You should go.”_

_“Will you be here when I get back?” Lexa was taken aback by how scared Clarke sounded in asking this question._

_Instead of responding, she stood from her spot on the couch and made her way to Clarke, she placed a gentle kiss to her lips, nodding in silent promise that she would be there._

_Clarke kissed her again. It was Lexa that pulled away._

_“You should go, Clarke.”_

“Clarke, c’mon.” Finn was already walking back towards the door of the lounge, while Clarke remained in place, staring at Lexa who stared between the two.

She placed a gentle hand on Clarke’s elbow – their first physical contact in over two and half years, and it ignited something in Lexa, something she wasn’t ready to read in to - nodding toward the waiting man.

“You should go, Clarke.”


	4. Chapter 4

> "Good things can end. Beautiful things can fall apart. Love; the true and big kind, can fail"

_The sun shone brightly over the expanse of the park, the light breeze a welcome reprieve from the hot August air. Lexa sat between her girlfriend’s legs, her back to Clarke’s front._

_She closed her eyes, enjoying the light kisses placed in the crook of her neck every few minutes, relaxing into the other girl’s embrace as Clarke doodled absently on her forearm with a Sharpie._

_Summer was coming to a close and Lexa would miss it. She wasn’t eager to return to the harsh, relentless grind of studying and classes. The summer with Clarke had been perfect, they had spent their days at the beach, going on picnics, hiking in the nearby trails of Mount Weather, and their nights spent lying under the stars, or around campfires, or holed up in bed, sticky bodies never more than a few centimeters away from one another as they whispered secrets and sweet promises into the darkness._

_Clarke sighed lightly against her shoulder, placing another lingering kiss there._

_“Do you like it?” She asked._

_Lexa looked to her arm where Clarke’s finished artwork took residence – it was an intricate, abstract drawing of a heart and Lexa’s chest swelled at the sight._

_Clarke’s art never failed to take her breath away._

_She nodded, “I love it.”_

_Clarke kissed her again, this time on the underside of her jaw, just near her ear, a spot she knew Lexa loved to be kissed._

_“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours, Clarke?” Lexa questioned, tilting her head further to the right to give Clarke’s lips more room to roam._

_She felt Clarke smile against her, Clarke had once told her that her intuitiveness was one of the main reasons she had fallen in love with her._

_“School.” Came the simple reply._

_Lexa straightened up and awkwardly angled herself to face her girlfriend._

_Clarke knew the silent question she was asking and didn’t wait for her to ask it._

_“I’ve been thinking lately, and I’m not sure I want to be a doctor anymore.”_

_“Where has this come from?”_

_Clarke had never made any indication that she was unhappy in her studies; sure, they were tough and the hours in the library were grueling, and it wasn’t about to get any easier, but Clarke had always considered it a labor of love._

_The blonde shrugged._

_“I don’t know, just the thought of going back doesn’t excite me. If anything, I’m kind of dreading it. And this summer, it’s just been so…”_

_“Wonderful?” Lexa supplied._

_“Exactly.” Clarke sighed again. “I just worry about the future, y’know? Like we’ve had such a lovely summer but we won’t have this kind of time together when I become a doctor, and I’ve just been so inspired to paint lately and that_ does _excite me, and it just got me thinking that maybe I’m following the wrong path.”_

_Lexa moved her body so that she was now fully facing a rambling Clarke, she scanned her face, looking for any signs that this was nothing more than a momentary freak out, but saw no signs of hesitation, Clarke seemed very sure of what she was saying._

_She placed her hands on either side of her girlfriend’s face, stroking her thumbs over her cheekbones affectionately. Securing her gaze, she tried to offer some assurance, anything she could to lessen the conflict Clarke was faced with, “Clarke, I love you, and I will still love you even if you’re living at the hospital, shoulders deep in surgery six nights of the week, and I will still love you if you’re a starving artist just trying to catch a break. As long as you’re happy, I’ll support any move you make. Just don’t make a choice based of one blissful summer, I can promise you, we have a lifetime of loveliness ahead of us.”_

_Clarkes gave her an awestricken look, shaking her head in almost disbelief._

_“You’re too good for me, you know that right?”_

_“I know.” Lexa shrugged blasé-ly, but the playful glint in her eye was sign enough that she was joking. Truly, she believed Clarke was too good for her. She wondered every day what she had done to make Clarke choose her, and the day she fell in love with Clarke, she vowed she would do whatever she could to make sure that she would want to choose her over and over again, every single day. Because she was positive she would always choose Clarke._

_The smile that had formed on Clarke’s mouth at Lexa’s words faded as some realization dawned on her. “My mom will kill me if I tell her I want to drop out.”_

_Lexa knew this was probably true. Clarke’s relationship with her mother was strained at best; sometimes it seemed that if it weren’t for medicine, they would have nothing to talk about at all._

_She turned around and repositioned herself between Clarke’s legs, not wanting her to see the sad agreement in her expression._

_“Clarke, she’s your mom. She’ll love you regardless. Whatever makes you happy is what you should do.”_

_She felt Clarke shift behind her, her hands lying flat on her thighs; she whispered seductively in Lexa’s ear, “You make me happy. Guess I should do you.”_

The familiar, generic iPhone tone sounded from its place on the nightstand; Lexa shut off the water, grabbed her towel from the rack and rushed, damp-footed to the bedroom.

“Hello?” she greeted, slightly out of breath from the hurried dash.

“Good morning, sweetness.” Raven’s honey-like voice crooned from the other end of the line.

“Good morning, Rae.” Lexa chuckled.

“I’m just heading over to Octavia’s now, want me to pick you up?”

She hadn’t seen her friend since her birthday party two nights prior, when she bailed almost immediately after her conversation with Clarke, but had arranged to meet both Raven and Octavia for Sunday brunch.

“No, I’m good thanks. I need to stop by the Farmer’s market on my way home so I’ll just take my own car.”

“If you’re sure. Don’t forget the bread!”

“I won’t.” Lexa rolled her eyes – it happened _one_ time, but Raven always felt the need to remind her since.

“See ya soon, chica.”

“Bye, Raven.”

And with that the line went dead. Lexa couldn’t deny that was a little anxious about brunch with her friends. She was still mildly irritated that they had potentially known about Clarke bringing Finn to the party – she would certainly be asking about that – but she also wanted to ply them for information and she was worried about how she would feel about the answers to her questions, _if_ she even got answers.

Still, she needed to know.

 /

 Lexa knocked on Octavia’s apartment door and was greeted by Raven who already had a bloody Mary in hand.

“I brought the bread” she called, holding up the large loaf as she entered the kitchen.

“Awesome. I’ll just slice it up and we can eat. I’m ravenous.”

Octavia took the bread from Lexa and set about cutting it into thick slices, humming quietly to herself.

“Oh I bet you are.” Raven teased, winking to Lexa over the rim of her bloody Mary.

Octavia elbowed her friend but the bashful smile that took over her own features, accompanied by furiously blushing cheeks was a dead giveaway to the truth of Raven’s words.

“I’m sorry, am I missing something?” Lexa asked, pointing a finger between the two.

“Octavia here has found herself a lover man.” Raven informed with a jovial wiggle of her eyebrows.

“What? Who? The guy you invited to Raven’s party?” Raven nodded in confirmation. “I missed him.”

“It’s ok, Commander, you know him.” Raven joined Lexa in leaning against the counter, taking another gulp of her drink when Lexa looked at her curiously.

“I do?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Who is he?” She looked to Octavia for answers since Raven seemed to be having way too much fun playing the suspense game.

Octavia didn’t look up from serving their food onto plates, but mumbled “L-cn”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that?”

Octavia sighed, turning to face her friends. “Lincoln. I’m sleeping with Lincoln. There you have it. Happy now?” she turned her back to the pair and began carry the food towards the table

“Ecstatic!” Raven laughed heartily while Lexa was stunned to almost silence.

“Wait as in gym Lincoln? Motivational quote connoisseur?” Lexa couldn’t help the giddy lilt that found it’s way into her tone. She had known Octavia had a crush on the gym instructor but she had no idea it had progressed further than that.

“That’s the one.” Raven offered smugly. “And she has the audacity to tell me not to eat where I crap.”

“Except I don’t work there anymore.” Octavia noted as she set their plates on their place settings.

“Pfff. Technicalities.”

“Can you two please just come sit down, your eggs are going cold.”

Raven and Lexa did as they were told and joined Octavia at the small table near the kitchen window.

“And, to answer your question, Lexa, only a couple of weeks, and before you ask, no we have not put a title on it, and I’m perfectly ok with the ambiguity of that for now.”

Lexa patted her napkin against the corner of her mouth before placing it neatly in her lap and smoothing it out. “As long as you’re happy, O, that’s all that matters.”

“I am.” And she looked it. Lexa hadn’t seen her friend with that look in her eye in forever. “Speaking of happy, how’re you?”

“Me? I’m great.” Lexa lied, cutting into a slice of bacon with more force than was necessary.

“Okay, you’re not even trying to sound convincing. What’s up?” Octavia had set her cutlery down, prepared to give her friend her undivided attention.

Lexa briefly contemplated just letting the whole thing go, blaming her disposition on her upcoming workload, she always hated conflict and avoided it where possible. But she knew she couldn’t let this rest. She needed to know.

Looking between her two friends that were now waiting expectantly for her to say something, she decided to bite the bullet.

“Did you guys know that Clarke was bringing that guy to the party the other night?”

Raven and Octavia exchanged a knowing look; clearly expecting this topic would arise.

“No.” Octavia supplied. “We were just as surprised as you to see Finn with her.”

“Honestly, Lexa. We may not mention her to you but we do have some level of tact. Did you really think we’d blindside you like that?” Raven’s tone wasn’t accusing or hurt, the question almost seemed rhetorical.

Lexa just shrugged.

“I don’t know, I mean you guys are always just so…” She didn’t know the right words to use, she didn’t want to call them overprotective (even though they were) and make it seem like she was ungrateful that they cared for her so much. She sighed. “I just feel like sometimes you try too hard to make sure my feelings don’t get hurt; I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. I’m not going to break.”

Raven reached across the table and gave Lexa’s wrist a light squeeze. “We know that, we just don’t want you to hurt more than you already have.”

“It hurts a lot more if you guys aren’t honest with me.”

“Noted.” Octavia, ever to the point, acknowledged, “But we really didn’t have any idea she was bringing Finn.”

“Of all people.” Lexa looked to Raven at that.

“What do you mean ‘of all people’?”

Raven looked at her dubiously. “For real?”

Lexa shook her head. “What?”

“Lexa, that was Finn Collins.” When Lexa showed no signs of recollection, Octavia continued, “As in Clarke’s high school sweetheart, Finn Collins.”

“I knew I heard that name before.” Lexa said more to herself than the others.

“Personally, if a guy did the dirty on me the way he did to Clarke, I’d have run the dude over with my car, not let him drive it.” Raven commented, taking another sip from her now almost-empty glass.

Lexa was more than a little stunned herself. Clarke had of course told her about Finn Collins, they had dated pretty much all through high school, he had been Clarke’s only serious relationship before Lexa. Clarke had told Lexa how Finn went MIA on prom night and when she went looking for him, found him with his pants around his ankles in the backseat of his car with Lorelei Tsing; what’s worse is that she also discovered that that night was not the first of Finn’s little sexual trysts and that he had been sneaking around behind her back for almost all of senior year.

From the way Clarke told the story, it had taken a lot for her to find a way to trust anyone romantically for a while after that, and understandably so when your first venture into dating results in ultimate betrayal. Lexa remembers wanting to rip the guy’s head off when Clarke had opened up to her about it one rainy night when they sat in a make shift blanket fort, eating ice cream and getting to know one another. How anyone could willingly hurt someone they supposedly cared about – something she still could never understand – made her furious, especially with Clarke being so young and inexperienced in the ways of the world at the time.

“Wait, are they together?” She needed to get clarification on that because if it was so, Clarke had become even more of a stranger to her than she thought.

“God no!” Octavia assured, shaking her vehemently. “No, she only brought him because Abby asked her to.”

“Why would Abby ask her to do that? And why would Clarke agree?”

“C’mon, Lex, you know how Abby can be.” Raven pleaded, and she was right about that one, Lexa knew first hand what Abby Griffin could be like. “He works as an orderly at the hospital and he just moved back to town too from God knows where; Abby’s friends with his parents and said he didn’t really keep in touch with any of his old high school buddies and that he didn’t really know anyone in the city, so she asked Clarke to invite him to the party. It was all last minute. Clarke just doesn’t want any hostility with Abby right now, not while she readjusts.”

Lexa nodded. She could understand that, and she knew Clarke’s mother was a handful at the best of times so she could see why Clarke would do whatever it takes to avoid rocking the boat with her. She also felt relief in the knowledge that Finn wasn’t Clarke’s boyfriend, and that her friends hadn’t known he was coming and hidden that from her.

Taking another bite of her eggs, she couldn’t resist knowing, “Is she seeing anyone?” She didn’t look up from her plate when she asked, hoping to appear nonchalant about the inquiry.

“You really wanna know?”

It was Octavia who asked, which surprised everyone at the table. She, of all people, had been the one to decide to put all Clarke related topics on lockdown after their break up. Clarke may have been Octavia’s friend first, but Lexa was equally as important to her by then, and she hated seeing her friend in so much pain; she knew Lexa’s coping mechanism was distraction and disengagement and she vowed to assist in that in whatever way she could, meaning she forced Lexa’s butt to the gym four days a week, and enforced a complete blockade on anything that might trigger Lexa when it came to the other woman. Usually she was a sealed bunker when it came to offering up even the smallest morsel of information to Lexa regarding Clarke, believing it would do nothing more than to niggle away and hurt her friend more.

But Lexa did want to know. She _needed_ to know. And really, it was only fair considering Clarke knew her current relationship status; so she nodded.

“Okay.” Octavia conceded. Lexa set down her knife and fork and used the guise of smoothing out her napkin again to lessen the moisture that had gathered on her palms in anticipation, bracing herself. “No.”

“No?”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

Lexa was confused.

“No, not yes, no.” Octavia placed her hand to her forehead, shaking it before looking back at Lexa. “Ok, pause, rewind. No, Clarke is not seeing anyone. And because I know you want to know, Clarke has not dated anyone seriously since you guys broke up.”

This surprised Lexa. For one that Octavia offered up more than she had asked for, and two that Clarke hadn’t had a proper relationship since theirs.

Lexa drank a sizeable amount of her coffee to avoid saying anything more on the subject, even though she now had a million more questions.

Fortunately, her friends were somewhat intuitive and didn’t press the matter either, moving on to more neutral topics, like work, and vacation plans for the summer.

“So, have you heard from Costia since she came by the other day?” Octavia asked with genuine interest, she never had a problem with Costia, not the way that Raven did, but Lexa expected that was more to do with Raven being unquestionably loyal to Clarke always.

Lexa loved Raven, she did, but she always felt like Clarke’s friend first, and so when she introduced Costia to her friends, she was unsurprised by the engineer’s less than welcoming demeanor.

Octavia on the other hand, was more impartial. Lexa had always felt closer to her. From the get-go she felt like she could be authentically herself, never feeling the need to hide behind a façade to meet expectation with her; there was never any expectation with Octavia, she had never played the role of overprotective friend in relation to Clarke, never given Lexa the “if you hurt her speech”. Octavia became her biggest cheerleader when she started dating Clarke, but it never felt like Clarke was the sole foundation of their friendship. Lexa didn’t fear losing her when Clarke was gone because she knew she was loyal. She was brutally honest and Lexa admired that in her, and when she and Clarke called it quits, she was in Lexa’s corner, even though Lexa insisted nobody took sides. And she liked Costia well enough, as people they were vastly different, so under other circumstances they’d never have associated with each other, but Octavia was always nice to Costia, made her feel welcome and tried to show at least a little interest in her life, if only for Lexa’s benefit.

“No, and I don’t imagine I will.” Lexa admitted, taking another bite of bacon.

Octavia nodded. “And how do you feel about that?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

And she didn’t. On the one hand she didn’t think it was possible to maintain a platonic relationship with someone you were once in love with – with someone you _still_ loved on some level – but on the other hand, the thought of not having Costia in her life at all was painful still.

“You made the right call.” Her friend assured her. “Costia was great, but what you guys had was never meant to last.”

Lexa felt herself bristle, she wanted to argue, to be offended by what Octavia had suggested, but she didn’t, because she knew she was right, so instead she just gave a resigned nod.

They said their goodbyes not long after, but not before promising to do dinner later in the week, and Octavia arranged a time for their Monday HIIT session the next day.

 /

 Lexa found herself at her neighborhood Farmer’s market shortly before 2pm. She struggled to find parking so ended up driving back to her apartment and walking the short distance back.

Monday through Friday, walking through the streets of Polis would be her idea of fresh hell, rude people getting her in way, bashing into her unapologetically, slow walkers who clearly had no place to be, assholes on skateboards, people trying to convince her to sponsor a sheep in some country she had never heard of.

But on the weekends she loved it. The easy pace of it all, it was her turn to walk slowly with nowhere to be. The weekends had always been more her speed. She lived life at 110mph in her day-to-day, so she made sure that Sundays were always a guilt-free recharge day.

Farmer’s markets were her favorite Sunday afternoon activity. She loved the gentle calm of walking through the various stalls and talking to the vendors about the best blend of spices to make the most mouth watering chili, or how they learned to craft jewelry out of nothing more than wood and wire. It was the only time in her week where she would literally take the time to stop and smell the roses.

‘These pink ones are beautiful, Gaia.” She complimented, picking one out of the bunch and bringing it to her nose.

“We just got them back, they’re Ispahan.” The pretty, young florist informed.

“They’re lovely.”

“Can I get anything for you today, Lexa? We’ve got some really nice Snap Dragon, and Sunflowers.” She reached across a large bouquet of tulips to show Lexa what she was referring to. “Maybe a few Iris? I know how much you like purple.”

Lexa smiled fondly at her attention to detail.

“I certainly do, but I think today I’ll stick with some Delphinium while you still have them annnnd… “ She gazed over the extensive selection. “I’ll take a dozen tulips.”

“Coming right up.” Gaia winked and set about arranging the requested bouquets.

Lexa took the time to peruse the other flowers, noting that Gaia was right; the sunflowers were looking especially exquisite. She used to love sunflowers, they were a staple feature in her home from spring right through summer – they were Clarke’s favorite, the only ones she would ever pick out. After their split, Lexa had stopped buying them, not wanting any more reminders than she already had of the blonde, but time passes in the way that time does, and eventually all Clarke’s favorite things just became things again.

 

_They sat on opposite ends of the small sofa in Clarke’s apartment, legs tangled together under a soft checkered blanket; Lexa studied the business section of The Polis Times, while Clarke was deeply consumed in a book on the works of Roy Lichtenstein – she had recently been fascinated in the genre of Pop Art but had been struggling to perfect the art form herself – a comfortable silence settled over them._

_Raven had soccer games every Sunday, and Octavia had decided to play the dutiful friend and attend for once, the promise of post-game pizza being a strong convincing factor, so the couple had opted to stay in and enjoy a rare afternoon of peace and quiet._

_Lexa looked up from the article she was reading to find Clarke looking at her with a curious stare. She looked radiant, hair haphazardly thrown up in a messy bun, the afternoon sun that crept in through the narrow living room window creating a halo like glow around her, complimented by the large bouquet of sunflowers that sat in a vase on the side table behind her – a no-reason gift from Lexa. She was beautiful, and Lexa, not for the first time, felt that familiar swell of pride that she got to call this girl hers._

_“What?” She felt self-conscious under Clarke’s unwavering gaze._

_“I love you.”_

_Lexa smiled warmly at the simple response, “I know. I love you too.”_

_“Move in with me.”_

_Lexa felt her jaw drop and eyes widen. She scanned the small living room; sure, it was larger than her campus dorm room but still, with Octavia sharing the space, and Raven coming over so much she could practically be considered a resident, Lexa thought it might be just a little too crowded for comfort – even if she did spend almost every night there anyway._

_“Move in here?”_

_C_ _larke laughed that melodic light laugh that Lexa loved. “No, silly! Like move in with me, let’s move in together, somewhere of our own.”_

_Lexa continued to stare at her in disbelief, of course the idea of falling asleep and waking up to Clarke every morning thrilled her, the thought of creating a space that was uniquely theirs, a hideaway for them from the world excited her like nothing she’d ever felt before. But it also scared her. This would be a big step, and she was a pragmatist_

_“What about your lease? Don’t you have like eight months left on it? And what about Octavia?”_

_“Shhh, love.” Clarke cooed, placing a comforting hand on Lexa’s blanket covered calf. “Don’t worry about that. I’m sure Octavia can find another roommate to take over my part of the lease. I want to live with you.”_

_At Lexa’s visible hesitance, Clarke shifted a little uneasily, looking down to where her hand was rubbing gentle patterns on Lexa’s leg. “I mean, of course if that’s not what you want I under-“_

_“No.” Lexa interrupted. “No, Clarke, of course that’s what I want. I just wasn’t expecting it. I’d love to move in with you.”_

_“Really?” Clarke’s eyes lit up, her voice eagerly hopeful, and when Lexa nodded her confirmation, she tackled her back into the couch, book and tablet long forgotten as they gently fell to the floor, Clarke smothered every inch of her girlfriend’s face in kisses. “I can’t wait to do this.” She whispered against Lexa’s lips before deepening the kiss she placed there._

_Lexa held her close, excited about the prospect of this next step, allowing Clarke’s kisses to wash away any hesitation or concerns she had felt - she’d deal with those later._

_She smiled into Clarke’s kiss, shifting her leg from underneath the other girl to bring up and wrap around Clarke’s waist; in doing so, she highly underestimated just how small the sofa was, and managed to send the vase of sunflowers crashing to the wooden floor below._

_The girls startled from their embrace at the sound, pausing momentarily to take in the soaked floor, and shards of porcelain vase, before looking back to one another and falling into a fit of giggles. Clarke buried her head in Lexa’s neck while Lexa wrapped her arms around her shaking girlfriend._

_“Looks like we’re going to need to Lexa-proof our new place.” Clarke smiled down at her once she managed to stifle her hysterics._

_Lexa leaned up and caught Clarke’s lips in a chaste kiss, confident that they were taking the right step._

 

“Actually, Gaia,” The florist looked up from her wrapping. “I will take some of those sunflowers from you.”

 /

Armed with her three sets of flowers, two-dozen free-range eggs, organic hummus, and a hefty supply of olives, Lexa began the short journey back towards her apartment building, enjoying the relative stillness that came with Sunday afternoon. That was until she felt something bash lightly into her leg.

“Umph.”

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” A frazzled woman apologized after her child had bolted out of the coffee shop across the street from Lexa’s apartment, and right into her, almost causing her to drop her eggs. “Aden, careful where you’re going. Say sorry to the lady.”

The young boy looked guiltily up at Lexa through his eyelashes. “Sorry, lady.”

She smiled fondly down at him, she didn’t spend much time around kids, but he was cute and appeared well mannered. “It’s ok, it’s a lovely day, I’d be excited about it too.”

This garnered a giant grin from the child, who then looked to his mother for approval to continue on his way; the woman nodded and followed behind, she looked back to Lexa “Sorry again.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Lexa smiled, watching the mother chase her live wire son down the street.

The scent of roasted coffee beans invaded Lexa’s senses from the door that was still ajar from the woman’s exit, and Lexa couldn’t think of a better way to round off a perfect Sunday afternoon than with a scalding cup of black coffee.

She entered the familiar store, nodding to the friendly barista who simply questioned “The usual?” and dropped her purchases at an empty table near the window.

She loved sitting here and watching the citizens of Polis go about their daily lives; she sometimes liked to make up stories about them in her head – the woman and her son, for example. She would imagine that his parents were separated, and that the mother had just picked the boy, Aden, up from a weekend at his dad’s who, like many well meaning, but clueless fathers, doesn’t prioritize healthy eating over junk food, and it’s the weekend spent on twizzlers and coke that had the boy bouncing off the walls.

She chuckled to herself at the thought of the hyper youngster, not envying his mother for even a millisecond.

Lexa couldn’t deny that this was a particularly happy place for her in the expansive city. She often felt overwhelmed by the towering skyscrapers and the busy flow of pedestrians who cared little for their neighbors. Here, she felt a sense of calm that was difficult to find in the otherwise bustling chaos of Polis.

This coffee shop had actually been a huge selling point when it came to buying the apartment.

 

_“So, what did you think?”_

_Clarke was beaming, a little spring in her step as she bounced down the stoop leading to the street._

_They had just finished their last apartment viewing and Lexa couldn’t deny that the place was a real winner - close to school - to everything really - spacious, bright, with big windows, a delightful breakfast bar in the kitchen, a bathtub big enough for two, and what appeared to be friendly neighbors if the two guys carrying guitars to the floor above where any indication._

_It was perfect._

_But perfect comes at a price._

_“It’s lovely, Clarke, but I’m not sure we can afford it.”_

_Clarke deflated somewhat, and she felt bad about that, but she had to be realistic._

_“But we could afford it. We could just meticulously plan our food budget, and we could light candles instead of wasting money on electricity bills, you love candles, “ Lexa chuckled at that “and…” Clarke trailed off trying to find other ways to justify getting the apartment she had fallen in love with. “And I’m sure my mom wouldn’t mind loaning us the first and last months rent.”_

_Lexa was still skeptical. She really didn’t want to borrow money from Clarke’s mother. This was their home. Their new venture. She didn’t want to depend on Clarke’s mom to support them._

_“Look, why don’t we go to that coffee shop over there and talk it through, weigh up our options?” the blonde reasoned._

_Lexa looked over to the hole in the wall coffee shop across the street. A vintage-y looking sign that read_ **Grounders** hung above the door and it had one of those cheesy chalk boards out front with a picture of a take out coffee cup drawn on it, and a little speech bubble that read “We think you’d like us a latte, why not come in and tea?”

_She shook her head at the lame pun, knowing Clarke would love it._

_Lexa resigned, reaching for Clarke’s hand and guiding them across the quiet road. She knew how this would go and she wasn’t particularly upset about it. She really did love the apartment too. And ultimately when it came to Clarke, Lexa would always let her have her way._

It was in this very coffee shop that Clarke had convinced her to go with the apartment she now loved so much (and could comfortably afford, even on her own), it was in this coffee shop that they signed their first lease, and it was in this coffee shop that Lexa would spend hours on end after their break up, pouring over case notes to avoid going home to that empty apartment.

“Is this seat taken?”

Lexa was startled from her daydream, turning her head to find the occupant of her musings shuffling awkwardly on the spot - clearly uncomfortable under the other woman’s curious gaze - holding a take out cappuccino in her hands.

“Clarke.”

She was stunned, she didn’t expect to see Clarke here, the coffee shop was nowhere near Clarke’s mom’s house and really, unless you lived in the area, there wasn’t much that would bring you to that particular street.

Clarke swayed in place, glancing toward the empty chair.

“Oh.” Lexa remembered her question. “Yeah, I guess.”

Clarke looked hesitant at Lexa’s lackluster approval but sat opposite her anyway.

“Your triple shot, extra hot Americano.” The barista broke the silent tension with delivering Lexa’s coffee.

“Thanks Riley.” She smiled politely at the teenager.

“So, guess you still come here often then.” Clarke noted, referring to Lexa’s familiarity with the staff.

“Well, it still has the best coffee in Polis.” She shrugged, attempting to be lighthearted though she felt nothing but restless in the other woman’s presence.

“I can’t argue with you there. Grounders always did make the nicest cappuccinos.”

“Is that what brings you to this part of town?” Lexa queried sharply. She didn’t expect her tone to be so curt, she had spent years schooling herself in the art of indifference and cool composure for the courtroom, she was rather infamous for her elegance and poise, but she was starting to learn that she wasn’t completely in control of her body’s reactions to Clarke.

“Not exactly.”

When Lexa remained silent, Clarke took it as her cue to continue.

“I just wanted to stop by and see the old neighborhood again; see if much has changed.”

“And has it?” Lexa was curious to know if things looked different to Clarke now - if _she_ seemed different.

“A little. But it still feels like home.”

Though Clarke wore a smile, there was a sadness in her eyes that remained unwaveringly locked on Lexa’s, and the lilt of her voice was noticeably somber, a clear double meaning in her words.

“What about you?”

“What about me?” Lexa asked.

“What brings you here? Or is it really just because it’s ‘the best coffee in Polis’?”

Clarke laughed but the question caused Lexa to furrow her brow.

“I still live here, Clarke.”

Clarke’s smile faded. “You do?”

“Yeah. Didn’t Raven and Octavia tell you?”

“They don’t tend to disclose much in the way of matters relating to you. I think I lost that privilege a while back.”

Lexa nodded, but then, “You said Raven told you I had someone” she alluded to their previous conversation which implied toward the contrary.

Clarke smiled around the rim of her cup. “Raven’s weak. I can pry information out of her from time to time with the right leverage. Octavia? Not so much.”

“I know what you mean.” Lexa chuckled; sipping from her coffee and enjoying the way the hot liquid burned the back of her throat, making her feel more at ease.

“You really still live there?” Clarke gestured with a nod of her head to the six story red brick building across the street.

“I do.” Lexa didn’t elaborate, simply blowing on her steaming coffee.

Clarke gave another awkward nod. “Makes sense I guess. It’s a beautiful apartment.”

“It is.” Lexa agreed, taking a sip of her drink and using the opportunity to eye Clarke. The woman was clearly nervous, or uncomfortable, maybe both; her hands fidgeted with the lid of her cup, and she couldn’t seem to decide on where to settle her gaze, shifting between her cup, Lexa, and their old apartment building, a silent war appearing to rage within her – Lexa presumed she was debating whether to stay or go.

What unarmed Lexa somewhat was the familiar ugly brown scarf that sat around Clarke’s neck. She fought a smile that the hideous garment had somehow managed to make it this far.

Clarke didn’t seem to notice Lexa’s mild amusement, if she had, she may have settled a little, she seemed as hyper as the little boy that had run into Lexa earlier.

Lexa just watched her, it was rare to see Clarke like this, the Clarke she knew was usually cool as a breeze, totally unaffected by most situations and atmospheres, but of course Lexa could see right through that front. She wondered now if she could still easily read Clarke, or if she had just become more transparent over the years.

Whatever inner conflict she seemed to be battling with appeared to settle as Clarke found her voice again.

“I’m sorry.”

Lexa paused mid-sip, her eyebrows lifted ever so slightly in surprise before she caught herself and returned her expression to it’s more fixed stoicism.

It seemed natural to question Clarke why she was sorry, but she didn’t, because she still believed that Clarke had a lot to be sorry for. She tried not to be angry, to let the pain of the past flitter from her, but no matter how hard she tried, seeing Clarke now, even after so long, reminded her how stained she was with the heartbreak of that love, how she still choked on that unique flavor of pain, and because she was a sensitive soul, it lingered there. And it was that reminder that kept her unwavering in her resolve. She would not cave to Clarke.

The silence between them felt deafening. Though it lasted only seconds, it felt like hours. Lexa wondered if Clarke would just get up and leave, walk away from the awkwardness, from the discomfort of this moment, but yet again, Clarke surprised her.

“I created this life for us in my head.” Lexa gripped the ceramic mug tighter when Clarke started speaking, her voice cracking just the tiniest bit. “I pictured what our future would look like – the house we’d live in, the dog we’d get – I set expectations for that life, for both you and me, and ultimately, it was me that didn’t meet those expectations. I felt like I failed you in that, I felt like I was constantly failing you. I know that I did.”

Even though what Clarke was saying was not entirely untrue, Lexa wanted to stop her, to relieve her some of this burden she was clearly shouldering, but she couldn’t bring herself to. She wanted to hear what Clarke had to say about it all. They never really had a conversation about it that wasn’t tinged in bitter heartache or fresh anger and hostility.

Clarke’s brows scrunched as she spoke, as though she was only now seeing clearly for the first time, something that should have been obvious from the start.

“I think at some point, I got confused between comfort and effort. I forgot that they are not mutually exclusive.”

Lexa’s a heart pounded in her chest. As much as she hadn’t expected to find herself in a one-on-one position with Clarke again in her lifetime, she expected these words from her even less. She only wished they had come three years earlier, when she desperately needed to hear them.

Clarke lifted her gaze and locked it to Lexa who felt frozen under those steely blues.

“I never stop wondering about you, you know. What you’re doing, where you are, if you’re single, if you’re happy. It fucking sucks.”

Lexa scoffed, though she didn’t mean to, and hurt flashed across Clarke’s face. Her voice was thick and her eyes had become bloodshot but she powered through.

“I know that’s selfish of me. I realize that. But I can’t help it. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I took it for granted. I took _you_ for granted. And I hate myself for that. You don’t know how many times I’ve looked back on everything, and believe me, I have a lot of regrets about how things transpired between you and me, but my biggest regret, the one that trumps them all, is not telling you how much you meant to me every single day.”

Lexa felt that now familiar knot form in her throat, and the knowing sting of tears burned in the back of her eyes. Because that’s all she had ever wanted from Clarke, to be made a priority, to be made feel like Clarke cared about her above all else. If Clarke had only said those things three years ago, everything could have been different.

Yet still, Lexa didn’t feel Clarke deserved that level of self-beratement; maybe she did, but Lexa had to remind herself that her time with Clarke was not always sadness, was not always pain, and longing, and doubt, that that part of their time together was short, that it shouldn’t cast a shadow over the beautiful thing they once had, so she offered a choked, “I knew.”

She offered her former love that solace even though it was a half-truth, because she didn’t always know, not towards the end, but when things were good, when they were _them_ , she always knew what she meant to Clarke.

Clarke looked like she wanted to argue her on this, like she didn’t want Lexa’s leniency, but she seemed to decide against it; shaking her head more at herself than for Lexa’s benefit.

“Still, I should have said it more.”

Another beat of silence passed between the two, though this one was less uncomfortable. Lexa felt some of that residual anger she had been carrying around since seeing Clarke at the party fade way. She was like that, she never held a grudge for the sake of holding a grudge, she would only be angry about the things she felt truly angry about, and wouldn’t pretend for the sake of pride.

Clarke looked up from her cup again, a look of cautious hope in her eyes that made Lexa’s chest clench. She seemed apprehensive when she spoke again, “I know I probably don’t deserve it, but do you think you could ever forgive me? “

“For which part?” Lexa knew she probably knew what Clarke was asking forgiveness for, but she wanted to hear her say it, she wanted to know if Clarke truly did understand all the ways she had hurt her.

“For all the shitty things I said, and for all the things I didn’t say but should have? For expecting you to always be there, for expecting you to stay. For not appreciating you, for taking you for granted. For giving up on us and emotionally peacing out when I should have fought for you. For not coming back for you.”

“Do you ever regret it?” Lexa asked in lieu of answering Clarke’s question.

“What?” Clarke was understandably confused, Lexa could see in her tone and on her face that she had felt she conveyed just how much regret she carried with her, but that wasn’t what Lexa was referring to.

“Not pursuing art?”

Without missing a beat, Clarke admitted “Every single day.”

Lexa’s heart ached for Clarke. No one should carry the burden of so many regrets. And she wasn’t necessarily angry with Clarke for the choices she made, she was just upset that she hadn’t been important enough in the end to be one of them.

“You know, it’s funny.” Clarke’s forlorn expression turned to intrigue at Lexa offering more than a few clipped words. “I often thought I had all the answers, when we were together, and even when we broke up. I couldn’t imagine a life where you didn’t exist in it. I used to think that one day you’d just show back up here and we’d pick up right where we had left off before things went bad. Before DC.“ She paused, not really sure if she wanted to say her next words, but carried on without overthinking it, “but the more I’ve thought about it, and the older I’ve gotten, the more I wonder if I’ve sometimes romanticized our relationship even in my memories. I wonder if back then I even romanticized fighting and sacrificing for each other, because the truth is, the right person shouldn’t be hard to love. They’d make it easy.” She took another pause; feeling her throat tighten and the sting of tears threaten to fall. She didn’t believe that to be entirely true. She still believed that Clarke was a beautiful piece of her heart, a beautiful piece of a life that she would never forget. Didn’t want to forget.

“Ours was a love that should have lasted a lifetime.” Clarke’s words weren’t challenging, she wasn’t attempting to argue Lexa on what she had said because she knew the truth her words held. But there was a clear longing nostalgia in them, and even more regret.

“Sometimes love just isn’t enough.” Lexa’s voice had also become despondent. She looked up from the coffee in her hands that was cooling quickly, to meet Clarke’s eye again. “I do forgive you, Clarke.”

Clarke nodded. If she felt in any way similar to Lexa in that moment, she probably was finding it difficult to speak around the lump in her throat and the ache in her chest. But when she did find her voice it was low and intimidated, wary even. “Do you think we could ever be friends?”

Lexa wanted to say yes. She wanted Clarke to be a part of her life even though she knew it would be hard, that it would be a daily torture. But the weak part of her wanted to tell Clarke that she could call her any time, that they could work toward building a friendship, that it would be a slow process but that she still couldn’t imagine her life without Clarke in it. But she didn’t say any of it because she knew it would just hurt them both.

“I don’t think so, Clarke.”

Lexa tried to appear unaffected by the way the blonde’s shoulders slumped and her gaze dropped once again. She sniffled, eyes glued to the Styrofoam cup in her hand. She nodded, and whispered a barely audible, “I understand.” And Lexa felt herself crumble, using every ounce of energy she had left within her to keep from falling to the floor at how small Clarke looked.

“It’s unavoidable that we’ll see each other, all our friends are still the same. And we can be pleasant, and civil, we’re adults after all” She joked mirthlessly. “But I can’t be your friend. I can’t be happy to see you move on with someone else, and I can’t be around you without potentially wanting more.”

She hadn’t meant to say the last part but she didn’t regret that she had, it was the truth after all.

Clarke finally looked up, her eyes red, a tear track visible on her left cheek where her emotions had betrayed her, and she conceded. “Me either.”

They stared silently at each other for a moment longer before Clarke inhaled deeply. “I should go.” Her voice sounded exhausted.

Lexa nodded but said no more, just watched as she gathered her things and left without looking back.

 

_Lexa stayed. She stayed and it was good at first. Clarke had stood true to her promise to do better. But old habits die hard and now Lexa found herself sitting alone in the compact living room section of Clarke’s loft looking around the space that never felt like home, even with Clarke in it._

_She looked around at the furniture that Clarke had picked out alone. She looked at the empty walls with no artwork or photographs decorating them. The only personalization in the space was one framed picture of Clarke and Lexa from a Christmas past, and one of a young Clarke sitting in the arms of her father, as they laughed at something no one recalled. She sat there and wondered for the umpteenth time if she was doing the right thing, if she would ever have anything this good again._

_But it wasn’t good. Not anymore._

_She picked up the framed photo of herself and Clarke, tracing her thumb over the detailed pattern designs of the metal. She remembered the day that picture had been taken, and how happy and carefree they had been._

_But Clarke was not the same now, and neither was Lexa. She knew that. She suspected they both knew that._

_Lexa had chosen to stay in this slowly burning building with it’s cracked foundation because she wasn’t afraid of a future without Clarke, she stayed and persevered but now the smoke was becoming too thick and she struggled to breath. She stayed, but now instinct had kicked in and told her to save herself, to get herself out._

_The apartment door opened, and Clarke carelessly threw her keys into the bowl she kept on a table near the entrance, the only other thing occupying the small stand was a vase of withering sunflowers. Lexa felt herself ache at even that, and ache further at the sight of an exhausted Clarke, face thin and hollow, thick bags under her eyes, bloodstained scrubs still adorning hers slumping body._

_“Hi.” She greeted quietly as Clarke dropped herself down on to the nearest seat, bringing her hand to the bridge of her nose, she simply grunted back an unintelligible acknowledgement of some sort._

_Clarke took a deep breath and opened her eyes; she looked to Lexa and followed her girlfriend’s gaze until hers too, landed on the suitcase by the door. She sat up straighter, becoming more alert instantly._

_“You’re leaving?” Lexa just nodded, swallowing thickly, her mouth dry._

_Clarke looked confused, like she was too tired to piece together this silent puzzle on her own. “I thought you were staying until Tuesday?”_

_“I changed my flight.” Lexa’s voice was still quiet but she couldn’t quite seem to find the volume._

_“Is it work?” Clarke voice was worried; Lexa knew she knew it wasn’t about work, but she shook her head. Still, Clarke continued on like she was totally ignorant to what was happening, or was at very least, appeared to be hoping her suspicions were wrong. “Then why’re you leaving?”_

_“You know why, Clarke.” Lexa looked down on her with an almost unbearable sadness, she watched as her girlfriend’s pained expression turned completely broken and the tears flowed freely from her tired eyes._

_“Lex, please don’t do this.” Her voice bubbled as she spoke a strained plea, “Please.”_

_Lexa could never bear to see Clarke upset, she felt the pain as if it were her own, but she supposed, this time it was hers too. She couldn’t cave, not this time. She owed it to herself to leave. This was not some split second decision; this was something that had niggled at her for weeks – months, if she were truly being honest. She fought it because it’s not what she wanted, but it’s what she needed. The core of her knew that. It was easy to push it down and ignore, especially when Clarke kept her promises, but it had once again gotten too big to ignore. She had come to realize that bumping herself above Clarke on her list of priorities was no longer selfish, but necessary._

_“I’m sorry, Clarke.”_

_She moved toward the door, but Clarke grabbed her wrist helplessly. “Please stay.”_

_Lexa removed herself from Clarke’s gentle grasp; she couldn’t resist touching her hand to her girlfriend’s cheek, relishing the feeling of her soft skin under her palm, knowing it would likely be the last time._

_“I can’t, Clarke. I thought maybe if I tried hard enough, just pushed through and held to belief, on to the memory of what we used to be, that that love that we had could be brought back.”_

_Clarke buried her face into Lexa’s touch, the wet tears soaking the skin of Lexa’s hands, a sob wracked through her and Lexa pulled her hand away, guiding Clarke’s face upward in the same motion, forcing her to look at her._

_“You will always matter to me, Clarke, that’s one thing I’m sure of. But I’m not sure that we’re meant to be each other’s forever anymore. I feel like I’ve been trying to rewrite the past, to force us back to where we were, but maybe we’re not meant for that. And maybe we’re not meant to write a new story together, because right now all that seems to contain is hurt and loneliness. Maybe this is just where it ends for us. Maybe we’re just destined to be some pages in the history books.”_

_Lexa had started to cry now. She hadn’t planned on big speeches or declarations this time around. She had intended to keep it simple. They both knew things weren’t good between them. She didn’t want this to be more difficult than it already was._

_Clarke pushed herself from the chair, dropping to her knees in front of Lexa, looking up at her desperately, with tear stained cheeks, and puffy eyes, she gripped Lexas left hand in both of hers “Please, I don’t want to be just a memory. I can’t think of a future that doesn’t give us a chance.”_

_A sudden surge of rage coursed through Lexa at these words. She pulled her hand from Clarke’s grasp, her voice finally finding its volume. “You didn’t give us a chance, Clarke!”_

_The harsh reality of her words stung them both, she knew._

_She inhaled deeply, calming herself and the warring emotions that were fighting for dominance within her. She didn’t look at Clarke when she revealed, “Loving you used to come as naturally to me as breathing. But now I’m suffocating, and I cant do this anymore, Clarke.”_

_She took the remaining few steps toward the door, taking her coat from the rack but not bothering to put it on. She removed the spare key from her pocket, and only then looking back to Clarke –still kneeling on the floor, face contorted in anguish, bent over as though she were in physical pain - Lexa wanted nothing more than to run to her, to hold her in her arms and make it all stop, but she couldn’t, so instead she continued to place the key in the bowl by the sunflowers, placed her hand on her suitcase by the door and walked away without a backward glance, trying to remind herself once again, that she was doing the right thing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First and foremost I want to thank anyone who's reading this for sticking with me, and thank you for the totally unexpected response to the last chapter. I really didn't expect the fic to strike a chord with so many people, and I know that it hasn't necessarily been a good chord for everyone but I still appreciate the time you spent leaving comments and your thoughts and I can only hope that if you're reading this still, that things have gotten better for you!:)  
> Also, I didn't expect Clarke to become such a strong villain in this tale of woes, but it appears she doesn't have many fans at the moment, and that's ok, we're not really supposed to be loving Clarke right now.
> 
> I am still very back and forth with the idea of a Clarke perspective chapter, if that's something that people are really very interested in, please do let me know, and also would you prefer a separate one shot, or would you prefer it as part of this fic? I have an outline for one but I'm still a little on the fence about where to put it or whether to do it at all.
> 
> Thank you for reading, as usual, your thoughts, likes, dislikes, and comments are more than welcome should you want to leave them :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. This is my first attempt at writing about a lost love of sorts, so I'm swinging in the dark a little, but hey, everyone loves a trier. Feedback is always welcome :)


End file.
